Why Men Stop Wanting Sex

On April 15, 2010, in Understanding Men, by Jay Archer

PE-070-0471There are numerous reasons couples stop having sex. One of the big reasons is either the man stops initiating sex OR the woman initiates too much.

What the *^%# you say?

Yes, you read that correctly -  “when the woman initiates sex too much.”

There’s no secret I’m a big advocate of women initiating sex to kick start your love life, mainly because:

  1. I’m a man. (Call it a conspiracy if you want)
  2. One of my surveys men place ‘Initiating Sex’ at the top of the list of things they wanted from their lover

MAN FACT – Men like it when women initiate sex. It makes life easy, makes us feel attractive, desired and a valued man.

BUT, if you (a woman) initiate the MAJORITY of sex your man may gradually lose interest in sex with you. Yikes!

Initiating too much could cause your man to lose his motivation, the passion for the thrill of the hunt and the rush of the conquest. Or, most likely, it could condition him to be lazy – a sort of ‘learned laziness.’

And the worst part is a man may not even realize what has happened and misinterpret it as feeling less attracted to you. Yikes x2!

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I bet you’re confused now, aren’t you? “OK, let me understand men correctly…my man wants me to initiate sex BUT I could screw up our love life if I initiate too much?!” YES  you understand!

TEST Here’s the key…. Ask yourself ‘Do you initiate sex MORE than him?’ If ‘yes’ there could be a potential problem brewing.

My suggestions is to change your focus. Instead of being the 1st to initiate sex – be the 1st to give the hint to initiate – that the time is right and ready for sex. In other words, shift from being the ‘initiator’ to the ‘hinter.’

This is good news too all the women who have wrote me saying “I’m tired of initiating sex ALL the time! Why can’t he?”

Don’t misunderstand my message. YES initiate sex BUT not more often than him.

Understanding men is the name of the game – and key to a passionate love life. I hoped I helped you understanding men in relationships just a little big better

Jay Archer

PS As always – I’d love your comments below.

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29 Responses to Why Men Stop Wanting Sex

  1. Nt says:

    As strange as it may be, this article is right, so right. It happened to me last year and it was major Yikes. Even if my bf thought I was hot and I thought he was so hot I couldnt get my hands off him, I made that mistake and he became lazy. Hm, sounds dumb but I think its a common mistake, we tend to believe men want sex aaalll the time…but hunting is better for both.

  2. Claudia says:

    What a relief! I was under the impression that men didn’t mind
    Having sex often but I am relief to know that men like to hunt
    More often which is perfectly fine with me. I don’t feel right
    Initiating too often. If my husband isn’t in the mood I take it
    Like he is not attracted to me so this is why I avoid coming
    To him so I give hints or wait until he comes to me ;)

  3. EM says:

    and then you guys say we women are complicated :S lol

  4. Alissa Kirby says:

    Thank you for this segment!! Lately, I’ve noticed that I’ve been initiating sex more often than my boyfriend. Both of us are VERY sexual and our sex life is good and satisfying. But the more I’ve been initiating recently, the less interested he has seemed overall. Now I guess all I need to do is learn how to hint at it instead of being the one to say “let’s go!” This is difficult..because I’m not QUITE sure I understand the distinction in terms of how to act. I feel like I need to do something though because I’m worried about him not being as interested :-/

  5. CHRYSTAL says:

    How do you recommend we drop those hints? Rub up against him? No panties? Or do you mean verbal cues? Would love to see a blog about how to HINT that are hints a man would really enjoy. Thanks Jay.

  6. Eileen says:

    Jay, Understand men? Now I a more confused than ever!!! So you guys like us to initiate, but not too often? I agree with EM – you guys are way complicated!!! LOL! : )

  7. angie says:

    What if my man never initiates or he only does it once a week? I like sex alot of it but, my man only wants to pleasure himself using his magazines and do nothing with me! Could it be I have already initiated to much? He has a problem with porn and other woman in general so why would he stop wanting me?

  8. Liz says:

    Angie, he might be a porn/sex addict. Check out http://www.recoverynation.com

  9. Jamie says:

    Righty-o! Sheesh…women are complicated? You men cant opt-out of that category anymore! That said…I KNOW now you tell me. My man has gotten used to me rolling over, kissing him passionately while the hand begins to play around with his package…which is already “ready” before my hand ventures anywhere. Yadda yadda a bj that leaves him moaning louder than I…yadda yadda…awesome sex…I love it all, just want HIM to roll over to me…I promise I wont remove the bj just cuz he’s on me… ;)

  10. Saira says:

    men are soooooooooo complicated

  11. Belle says:

    Thank goodness I don’t have a problem with this one. I need to initiate more. I love the words “the passion for the thrill of the hunt , and the rush of the conquest”. That sounds so sexy.

    • Archer says:

      Belle, I’m glad you like it.

      I wonder what would happen if you ‘hinted’ a bit more often. Let us know, ok?

  12. Belle says:

    Jay,
    If I “hinted” more, I probably wouldn’t have any time to visit this site. I’d be exhausted! Things have been better. I haven’t been as lackadaisical. The hubby seems a little happier. Thanks.

  13. Lou says:

    Jay
    I like your website, funny and mostly insightful. I tend to agree with you about initiating too much, but I am now also afraid that my bf might think I am not interested in sex with him any more if I don’t initiate. I have the same problem as Jamie. I love sex, and a lot of it. My bf doesn’t reject me, but almost never initiates. It sometimes makes me feel that he is not interested in me. Maybe I am just senstive. But the point is, how should I hint? Should I say something? Should I do something? What should I say? What should I do?
    Lou

  14. Belle says:

    Oh my goodness Jay!
    Is that a picture of you? I like it. It’s nice to see who we’ve been dealing with. I was worried that you might be a teenager. I am so proud to say I’m one of Jay’s girls (I hope you don’t mind).

  15. Mariana says:

    My boyfriend used to be a total sex addicted, but since we had this “fight” I always have to be the one to iniciate it. The fight was about me being in the firegfighters, which in his opinion is a place where all the guys love having girls so they can harass us, which is wrong. I don’t wanna give up the firefighters, but I also miss him iniating the sex. Should I stop being the “kinky one”? Will it help anything?
    Thanks,
    Mariana

    • Archer says:

      Mariana the Firefighter – now that’s hot!

      I would say your man has the problem not you. If he feels threatened or insecure because of your profession that’s his issue not yours.

      Tell him – you love being a firefighter and you love him and you want both! If he cant accept your chosen profession you need to make a choice about relationship, dont you?

      Personally I think a female firefighter carrying me over her shoulders and giving me mouth to mouth is HOT!

      I would suggest you find a real man.

      But hey – what do I know – I’m just an alpha male.

  16. Meg says:

    So I am in a similar situation with one major difference…my man is away for 8 months! To keep things hott, I have sent him sexy photos, racy videos and some pretty naughty texts. He loved it! He got so excited that I started sending more. Now I think I have overdone it! Is there a good way to keep your man wanting you from thousands of kilometers away?? Perhaps this would be a good article!

    Jay, I love this site and read almost every article. You’ve helped so much! I have never had a man go so crazy over me…now I just have to keep it that way!

    • Archer says:

      Meg, thanks for reading my articles.

      You’ve answered your own question about “how to keep your man interested from thousands of miles away” — you are Wendy sexy pics and messages. You really must have been paying attention to the advice I give.

      Keep doing what you’re doing with 1 little twist:
      1. Don’t send naughty pics or messages when HE wants them
      2. Dant send them too often because he’ll expect them all the time
      3. Make him work for it

      The 3 points above will make him want you more.

      Jay

  17. Kari says:

    oh wow im so glad i read this article. im always the initiator in my relationship he never does anything i was beggening to think he wasnt as attracted to me anymore because i started an finished everything for him but now i know i need to chill out and let him come to me an djust give more hints. ill be a tease :) btw i agree men are complicated and worse than girls. thanks for your articles there awsome ive learned so much. i always feel so sexy when i read your articles lol :)

  18. Sunshine says:

    Oh I Definitely Think There Is Something To That. If I Had My Way I Would Have Sex With My Man All The Time. But He Definitely Responds Better If I Dont Initiate as Much.

  19. Amster says:

    I think We may have the same issue. I tend to catagorize things, even if they shouldn’t be.

    I think the subtle approach may be just the expectation-reliever we are looking for!

  20. Chell says:

    Hi Jay, Well my story is my hubby & I use to go at it like wild animals the first year of us dating. It slowed down a bit after we got engaged and we’ve been together for 4 yrs but the sex is less & less. We BOTH loved sex in the beginning and were on same page being kinky,sending naugthy pics,etc but now its like I am the only one that wants it. We had problem n the beginning of marriage because of family drama, insecurtities, and issues w/our kids from previous marriages. Which he says why he doesn’t want 2 have sex,along with his bipolar depression acting up,and stress from his job. Should I just shut my mouth about having sex, leave him alone, and just accept things the way they are. I love him but its driving me crazy!

  21. D (sorry, that's all) says:

    So I’m an LPGA tour member and I make a bunch of $ doing this gig, so far. Yes, I’m away from my man for extended periods of time. I’m still fairly hot looking and my legs are great in my requisite shorter golf skirt that my sponsors claim I need to wear.

    I’m tired after a Thursday-Sunday tournament and all I want is my man when I get back home. All I really want when I get back home is to get naked and be with him in every way

    Thank You
    LPGA Professional
    D

    • Jay Archer says:

      A pro golfer, short skirt and all you want is to be with your man after a hard fought tournament…that’s hot.

      So your point is that you work hard BUT you still want to be intimate with your man. That’s great!

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