Why Do Men Marry?

On October 6, 2010, in Understanding Men, by Jay Archer

Do Men and Women Marry For Different Reasons?

redneck wedding pictureThis is a brief story of the marriage advice I received from a wise man…

When I was in my early 20′s I had a girlfriend who was 10 years my senior. ( A man in his physical prime and a woman in her sexual prime. It was hot, to say the least )

One day she abruptly called it off and I took it pretty hard.

Like many people I brought my issues with me to work and shared my relationship woes with an wise, old, male executive who was kind enough ask me why I was pouting.

As wise men do, he listened patiently to my boring, naive babbling …

“I don’t understand…I’m young, healthy, fit, stylish…Ya, I live in the basement of my grandmothers home BUT I’m educated, hard working and going places! Blah blah blah, poor me, boo hoo, etc…”

After listening to my boo-hooing he calmly replied with this relationship insight…

“Son, men and women get married primarily for 2 different reasons. Women marry for security; to raise a family in a safe, stable and secure home. Men marry for steady sex.”

I immediately burst into laughter but he maintained his gentle, serious demeanor.

I found his comment funny because men primarily marrying for “steady sex” is very true! I had just never heard it explained bluntly.

When you peel away all the layers of the relationship onion you get to the core issue.

Primary, meaning ‘the first,’ derived from primal.

So what the wise, old executive is saying is that men and women have different innate, PRIMAL motivations for marrying that trump all other motivations – sex and security.

He went on to put his statement in context with my current breakup and explained that she likely needed a man who wanted to have kids within a short window (which I indicated I wasn’t interested in, at the time)  and who had a more stable, secure, higher earning power to make a good home for her children.

It makes sense to me now but to a 23 year-old who thinks primarily with his cock… it felt like a punch to the gut.

“It’s just your ego, son. You’ll get over it.” Comforted the wise executive.

Ask yourself if both of your primary OR primal motivations for being in the relationship are being fulfilled? Problems for you or him? Could it be around this primal motivation?

Ask yourself if your primal motivation is being fulfilled. Then outright ASK your man.

Yours in passion,

Jay Archer

[ Archer: Do you think the executive is right or out to lunch? ]

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16 Responses to Why Do Men Marry?

  1. jm says:

    I would agree that the first time I married it was for security. Unfortunately, it didn’t end up all that secure and we eventually divorced. The second time I got married, I think it was because I found someone who really enjoyed life and I enjoyed being with him. 16 years later, we still enjoy each others company. We are best friends, and have a wonderful sex life. I can’t imagine my life without him and I am pretty sure he would be lost without me… I think we are fortunate. We try to be honest with each other even when it’s tough. We fight… and make up.

  2. Tammy says:

    In many peoples minds, Men are ‘expected’ to take care of the women and the women are ‘expected’ to bare the children and take care of the home. Most of us are taught that ‘lesson’ from early childhood. As women get older, their need to start a family often kicks in long before the mans does. Women are also seen as ‘getting old’ by 30 but men are just maturing at that age……Still, we love them for who they are!

  3. Deany says:

    Men get married for a steady piece of ass? Then how come they stop being a steady piece of ass? I’ve personally learned not to rely on a man for security. Sure it would be nice, but I haven’t found one reliable enough to be defined as security. Also, you’ve forgotten that marriage is social currency. It’s status, if you’re not married it says something perceived as negative about both genders. Men also marry to secure that piece of ass. And I will never marry again, because this steady piece of ass will never be taken for granted again. I’m loyal to the core, but once they got that government contract signed they just plum get lazy because they think they got you and they can do whatever they want to with you including nothing if that’s what they wish. So I will never be a married person again because I like having sex, and married people don’t have enough as far as I’m concerned.

  4. lisa says:

    i honestly do NOT agree with this. I think this is crap.!

  5. Em says:

    Totally agree with Deany: marriage doesn’t even seem worth it and would probably ruin a great relationship…If I ever maried though, my primal reason would be steady afection and of course not to look like “a loser” eventhough maried couples are probably the losers anyway xD (NOT always though) steady sex sounds nice too….security? nah you can’t really rely on anyone for that, specially not on a man….they leave you = you are on the streets.
    So we girls better work hard!

    • Archer says:

      I’m glad to read there are some modern, independent women out there!

      • Meg says:

        Married women can be modern and independent too! You dont have to be single to be a feminist. Nor do you have to be single to be independent. Modern women fall in love too, Archer, we get married too.

  6. meagan says:

    because of course marriage has nothing to do with any other parts of the relationship, such as liking the person’s company….or god forbid caring about them.
    Nope, he gives me money for kids
    I return the favor by acting as a piece of ass

  7. Rachel says:

    I agree with meagan. My husband and I got married because we love each other, wow what a weird reason to get married right? We also are looking forward to growing mature together, (companionship) and yes my husband has told this to many of his friends some married, some not. Most women now have steady jobs and do not have to rely on a man to support them, so security isn’t a primary reason that men think is the ulterior motive for us women. And seriously, if the woman stops having sex after marriage maybe the man isn’t treating her the same as before marriage. My husband and I still can’t keep our hands off each other after 10 years of marriage.

    • Archer says:

      Rachel, that’s great news. Sounds like you have a happy marriage! Not keeping your hands to yourself after 10 years is fantastic!

  8. Anonymous says:

    You are an idiot and by the looks of it not ready for marrige if you still think wih your dick

  9. ann says:

    Made me smile!!! Yes~ it is true.PRIMAL reason women get married- security and to have kids, men-sex. Yes women now can support themselves, but we all know men still make more $ even in the same field. I’ve been married for 20 years and my younger friends are amazed that we still have sex 4 times a week and sometimes more. We still go out on dates several nights a week ( we have 3 kids-they are basically ‘raised’ but 2 are still at home one in high school, one in first yr of college) Everyone thinks we are “Barbie and Ken” It is possible to remain friends, lovers and still married. :)

  10. mydozen says:

    I think some men marry for companionship. Sex is still a huge part in that though.

  11. Raj says:

    :D Most people wouldn’t really admit it but, in my opinion, what you’ve written is true to a great extent…

    The way i see it, there are no reasons for falling in love really… its more of a reaction to things that appeal to you(consciously or subconsciously) about the other person…But before we get into any kind of relationship, we think things over….

    We may fall in love more than once, but we don’t always end up marrying everyone we’re in love with… And yes, there are various reasons like compatibility, companionship and more…

    But the primal reasons for most people are sex and/or security…

    These may not always be “Gender specific”… i mean, men have the need for security too and almost all women sure want great and steady sex…. Security, doesn’t have to be Financial…. We need emotional, sexual, physical security too… Which is why we want someone who’ll be there for us, hug us, love and make great love with us.. someone who we can *trust*… because we need that sense of security….

    So love is not a reason, it’s more of a trigger… once that trigger is pulled and we want to settle down, that’s when we think of reasons… and these are varied for most but usually the “primal” and most common ones are Security and Sex… whether we admit it or not…

    That’s just my perception :D

  12. christina says:

    i will say that these things are very true. i’ve been married once and to be honest, if i ever marry again it will be for security and hopefully for love. the last time it was because he got me “knocked up”. in any case, it was a complete fiasco. truthfully, in this day and age you’re lucky if you find someone you can marry…

  13. leola says:

    This article would have been correct last century… but in THIS day and age women are more independent, successful in their own careers, take care of themselves, and of all the women I know personally, only 2 of them even want children! So we dont need a man for “security”, and we don’t need a man for our children’s financial support if we don’t want kids. I personally got married to have someone to share my life with, and grow old with, and have steady sex with someone who knows my body and knows what I like. I am so sick of men who assume women are constantly clamoring for marriage and kids and a paycheck. We are MORE than capable of taking care of ourselves! If supposedly men only marry for steady sex, then its safe to assume women only marry men for a sperm donor because honestly that is ALL the mass majority of men are good for =)

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