“Men never approach me!” she insisted.
“It’s your fault!” I replied.
Hear me out.
A friend of mine is a tall, exotic beauty who is unhappy she’s single and isn’t meeting any men.
“Hey! What am I?” I protested? “Taken!” she said. And she’s right but that takes me to my first point.
First, I pointed out that she does meet men just not the kind she considers relationship material.
Being clear is so important in getting what you want and attracting a man.
Second, most men are intimidated by beautiful women and want to approach but choke up.
Third, men often assume that beautiful women are in a relationship already so the attitude can sometimes be “why bother.”
Fourth, if you look high maintenance some men will consider you a lot of effort, upkeep and work.
Are you ‘high maintenance?’ Ask around but not your back patting friends, OK?
Here’s my advice to her:
1. Create the opening
Getting men to approach you is mostly about creating an opening or giving them a good excuse for them to approach and start conversation.
This allows you yo be a women and him the man – but really it was all you, girl!
2. Learn to approach
She needs take responsibility fo her single status and learn to approach men she suspects are relationship material.
Ten years ago a beautiful women approached me to ask how long until the ferry boat to the island arrived. That simple question turned into a night of passion and a fantastic 3 year relationship. And we continue to be friends to this day.
Sometimes, ladies, you have to approach them.
3. The biggest secret
Smile!
I’m not talking about going around grinning like someone who was raised on a daily diet of paint chips.
Throw generous and genuine smiles at targeted men. If he doesn’t take the bait he’s either gay, taken or a complete pussy.
Nothing ventured nothing gained. Smile – cast out your man bait and see what you can reel in.
Truthfully,
The Alpha Male
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Funny this was todays topic. I was just having this very conversation with a guy friend. He gave me the intimidated answer, and I balked saying, “I’m tired of hearing that. Gimme a break!” Truth be told I’ve always done the approaching, then asked why I had to approach. Answer’s the same: “Out of my league.” or “Didn’t think you were single.”
Come on guys, what do we have to do? Pin a sign to us that says, “Yes, I’m single, and if you think I’m out of your league then put on a glove and let’s play ball!” Here’s a hint, if we catch you staring & smile you have a chance. If our eyes meet & you notice us playing with our hair at times, you have a chance. Just come say hi!
Ok, Im climbing off my soap box now!
Love it =) and I think it’s true, and it indeed works, figured that out for myself though
smile relax. and have fun…i remember a time when i hung out at the bars..i have a very big smile that includes my eyes..I am genuinly friendly and easy going..men flocked to me..they were not afraid to ask me to dance ..even if i said no I was friendly and nice about it and i just might say yes..on the other hand my best friend who by all standards is prettier than I am sat uncomfortably at the table looking like a beautiful ice princess..trust me no one asked her to dance…eventually when she learned to relax smile and enjoy herself they were lining up
Jamie, you are welcome to stand on your soap box here any time, girl!
AND Yes…Guys, gotta grow some balls!
I think the problem today is that men have got the message that it’s NOT OK to be a man anymore.
I so agree with you guys on everything. I especially agree with Archer on the men thinking that it is no longer OK to be men thing… I think the “Miss Independent” craze started all that. I feel like women who can’t get men to be nice to them should shut up about having to do it all for themselves! LOL
Misi, I’m glad you’re with me on the “Miss Independent” craze. And I love your strong position!
this is quite funny that i read this topic today…
Last night i was out and about with a mate who is absolutely gorgeous and these two guys were looking at her…she approached them and callled me over…i just struck up some general conversation with the guy i thought was cute but he wasnt keen at all….or at least i didnt think he was….so we left later that night my friend having picked one of them up and exchanged numbers with the other guy. After we left he messages her and says that his mate was into me after all….so why the fuck didnt he show it??? It was an absolute self esteem killer…. How could i have gotten at least some kind of response out of him? Geez!
I agree with Jamie. Intimidation is a bs excuse. Seriously, I need a man with more balls than me. If you’re so intimidated that you can’t even step up to the plate, then stay in the dugout.
so true juzt smile and they melt quik i always do it 0n purpose kuz its funy how they try bt i stil dnt gve um a chanc kuz it takez alot 2imprez me and im hi maintnanc and a 5star i deserve d bezt so they gota b juzt aS s+unin as me. an i already got a man datz like me and we are juz d bezt of friendz and c0mpliment each other very wel an we d3f love fkn each othr d sex is of d chain
TextMonster – looks like you wrote this comment on your phone. I bet you’re a super fast texting superstar, too
I like Deany’s “stay in the dugout” line…better yet – just don’t come out to play if you don’t have a set! I’m so very glad I’m teaching my boys NOT to be intimidated by anything, and if so, go for it that much more! I’d be lying if I said I’d never seen a man and the silly thought, “Oh man, the things I could do to him…no, maybe, he’s probably already taken…” comes up. Guess what guys…when I have the silly thought I march right up to the man and start talking! Oh wait, lemme decode…Smiling, making eye contact, and yes, on occasion messing with the hair. Remember those queues? They’re for real…
Good think I’m not shy in the least, otherwise…I may never get to play ball…and that’d just be sad! lol
Hey, great article. One tip I can offer (even though I am a girl and can’t tell you what its like from a guys point of view) that has always worked for me is eye contact, and like it was said above, smile. Hold eye contact a little longer then you normally would (but not so long its creepy) and smile then look away. works for me every time. Sometimes flicked your gaze back to there eyes a few seconds later gives it the extra oomph you need lol. I’ll admit it, before I met my partner I was a huge flirt, and this worked pretty much every time.
i beg to disagree with point 3 of why men dont approach. some guys dont care that you are in a relationship… who knows chances are that she is in a bad relationship. that being the case some, if not most, guys dont really care. the motive is to make you theirs. there’s this saying that my guy friends always say and it goes like… “as long as there is no ring on that finger, you are considered single”. who knows, that girl secretively likes the him. my sister was in a 5 yrs relationship but it was a bad one. there was this dude who liked her… did his thing and after 9 months of dating(after breaking up with the 5yr relationship guy) they got married and she is at her happiest. so that notion i think applies to guys who are not bold and afraid of rejection and that just shows weakness which is a total TURN OFF!!!!!!!
Lee – Bang on tip!
this topic seems to have brought all the ball busters out of the woodwork….could it be that’s why guys don’t approach women….one woman found it self esteem killing to have a guy not show interest…maybe women should try getting told flat out sorry nope not interested ..or shot down in flames..or shot down in flames in front of their friends a few times and then see just how confident they are…and since we are all here with the express purpose of figuring out exactly what makes men tick so that we can be better lovers it should not be surprising that many men don’t really understand the signals we are sending..and girls..subtlty is a waste of time..it has been scientifically proven that men do not instinctively read body language worth a damn..
Lara – amazing response to the ‘ballbusters coming out of the woodwork’
Ladies, please read Lara’s post
we feel the need to take an on line course about men yet they should just know what we mean when we do this or that or say this or that..things that they would never do themselves because they are men and dont think the same way..and then they should lay their self esteem on the line..maybe more guys would have balls left if they didn’t get stomped on and ruptured by sexy feet in stilettos
I smiled at the fit young man who was doing the gardening next door, got talking, brought him a cold beer, and guess the rest? Of course I was wearing my lucky panty…
Yes Olivia the exact same thing happened, doesn’t that just piss you off? How hard is it to show you’re interesting, I have the “I’m not afraid to speak my mind” So mainly I approach because some men don’t seem to have the balls to do it themselves.
Hear that guys? MAN UP, grow a pair and don’t be afraid to approach the ladies.
Its true that most men dont quite understand clearly the body languages of most relationship desperate ladies when they pass signals. However i see no anormaly if a lady should first express her emotional feelings by approaching a man. Ladies i urge u to swallow ur pride and go for ur heart desire before u get left behind.
Thsi si such shit…i have used the strike up a convo bull and all the guy did was talk then leave…I have let them approach me no good…this is pure nonsense….smiling does nothing…all i meet is assholes and jerks and i am tired of it…i want someone who would give to me and go the distance for me too…who is healthy and moral…this guy over here is telling lies…different stuff works for different people….it don’t work for me wasn’t meant to happen probably…..well being alone is better than being with ass holes and pieces of shit
Wackcrazy, you sound a little bitter and jaded. (Have a read over your comment again)
I agree assholes suck – but that does not JUSTIFY being negative. What you’re saying is HE or those guys have won – and have power over who you are.
Screw them! Don’t let’ em get you down.
Perhaps being a bit more ‘sunny’ and positive will help your prospects. What do you think ?
well to be perfectly honest lara i did get tired of the whole body language this that night got the balls to ask him to dance and even told him he was cute…and still??? Nothing.
Your answer lifts the itenllgiecne of the debate.
On the subject of high maintenance women:
Some of us prefer to preserve ourselves and surround ourselves with beautiful expensive things. We are living in 2010 people. Successful women know that presentation is key, so we spend the extra few thousand to ensure our weekly mani and pedi’s, our regular facials and ensure massages to ease the stress of making it in a mans world. Its the way we cope and how we keep our kitty nails sharp enough to come out to the party if need be.
We are still women. We can take care of our bill ourselves. We wont say no if a man wants to pay, because we understand that this makes him feel more manly and that this balance is still needed.
We still need men for intimacy and companionship, but not to take care of us and ensure that the bill to maintain us is sent their way.
That is why our beautiful country developed Anti Nap Contracts outside of marriage. if you feel threatened, suggest this, if a high maintenance woman don;t agree to this during the relationship, she is less likely to agree at marriage and cant support her high maintenance anyway.
Good luck men!
Oh – and I am taken!
1)
I don’t think I’m a ball buster for wanting a man to be a man. The problem with the “Ms. Independent” movement or “feminist movement if you will” is expectations of women went op 200% and the expectation of men went down to 0%. Which irritates me. Women are now expected to have jobs, be providers, mothers, housekeepers, and gatherers. It is not any wonder some of women have become more masculine; we have been made to take on the rolls of men while keeping all out feminine occupations as well.
Recently there was a poll done that showed that women are no longer marrying men with more education and income than themselves, instead men are more likely to marry a woman with more income and more education.
Why haven’t men kept up? I realize I don’t speak for all women, perhaps some like feminine men. But once again I need one who is more of a man than me.
In fact, I’m so annoyed by it, that like Jamie, I’m teaching my son to be a man, not a typical contemporary post modern male.
interesting that my comment just disappeared.. didnt like what i said?
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So I agree smiling goes a long way. So does enjoying the time your out. Lets face it, if your out and you get so caught up with thinking about why this guy or that guy is not approaching me, your more than likely not really enjoying and having fun while your out. Hell, the times I’ve gone to meet up with friends and said to hell with trying I have always been approached. Plus, every man I know has said they love “the chase”. I know you have heard that too and yes it sucks sometimes, but what are you going to do?
Now, I will let you know what I have learned and is now my absolute “ace in the hole”,,,,,,,ladies wear a dress. Look the next time your out and see how many women are wearing a dress. I am in a two year relationship now and when I met my boyfriends dad the first time I was wearing by far one of the most casual dresses I own and he asked ” what was I so dressed up for?’ This is not an unusual comment I hear. I would say, with the exception of a few dates, I am in a dress when I go out on a date with my man. In fact, I have also noticed even when I go and run errands in a dress I always get treated differently. People seem to look me in the eyes, treat me kinder, ask if I need help, open doors and frankly smile more. Test it out, it’s really amazing! Honestly talk about your ego kick!
Also, think about this…..picture two women in the exact same high heeled shoes, one in a dress showing some leg and the other in jeans. I bet the one in the dress will get more looks walking around then the girl in the jeans. Lets face it ladies how many guys do you know take a glance at a skirt walking by quicker then the girl in the jeans. When it comes down to it, the girl in the jeans probably has more compliments by women about her shoes. Lastly, are you when scoping out the room finding yourself drawn to the guy who looks like he didn’t take a shower in a few days and obviously is wearing a shirt that surfaced from his floor? Or are you looking at the guy who looks a little more kept up with and is obviously trying. As a whole women I say we can’t be critical about men being visual creatures when I know for certain when I look at guys I don’t entertain any thoughts, sexual or approachable, of a man who doesn’t look like he gives a damn.
Wow… many, many good points. I am told again and again how surprised men are that I am single. I finally get it!!
Like a lot of women, I am rarely approached and could never understand why. I know now!! It’s the lack of approachability! I totally freeze up when a man notices me and does the eye contact thing. I immediately look away; I don’t smile; I give NOTHING back. I simply panic. DUH!!! It took reading this blog to help me see what I was doing wrong. I am a part-time bartender and get a lot of attention and make great money, because I love to interact and play with my patrons! I think it’s about time to take a little of my bartending act on the road!
Thanks Archer for another SPOT ON article!
McSwellan, yes! You’ve got the skills obviously. Take that bartender skill set into your social life – you’ll land some good guys and have your pick of the litter .
Lara – Totally agree. It takes guts to approach women, especially women in a group, and I know for sure my confidence would be severly knocked if I constantly got shot down.
Lara (top of the page comment) – I totally agree here too. I’m not beautiful, or slim, but I never have a problem getting more guys than my stunning friends when we go out. It’s all about your smile and your eyes
Way to go, Jo. That’s what I like to hear. Proof that smiling is the best man bait.
I was told by various guys that I was intimidating. I was a successful woman, attractive and looked like I didn’t need a man – so the men didn’t approach me. Sometimes we can be too put together. Instead of the great car, the expensive suit and looking overly confident, try jeans and t-shirt and borrow your brother’s old car for a night out.
I am now in a very loving relationship and it took work on my behalf to down-grade. I was never high-maintenance but I looked it.
My male friends say they can talk to me like one of the boys but when we go out – even though my dress was only $5 – I looked so put together that it may as well have cost $500 and that could be scary for prospective guys.
Don’t over-accessorize. Guys don’t care about the latest trends and the fancy earrings. That’s something we do for other girls not for the guys. In fact, truth be told, most guys I have dated have preferred no makeup and casual wear to over the top glam.
This is all bullshit. Men don’t really think any differently than women. If women don’t approach us we assume they’re not interested in us all the same. Try stepping out of your own tiny heads for once. Seriously I’ve had women tell me they’re going to lunch and not invite me, and then be bothered that I didn’t like INVITE MYSELF to go along. What the fuck is that? Is it REALLY that much more of an effort to fucking ask a guy out or invite a guy out you like? OH GOD BUT THAT’S PILING MORE RESPONSIBILITY ON TOP OF ALL THESE OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES SOCIETY HAS IMPOSED ON ME. Please. Men deal with way more stress in our lives than women do. Why do you think our life expectancies are lower and our suicide rates are several times higher than women’s. Like seriously I’ve had my guy friends tell me ladies told them that I was attractive but like the number of times a woman has actually told me something positive about me to my face I could probably count on my hands. But I’m expected to be super confident in myself. Out of thin air I guess. Girls, you know how it hurts your self-esteem that guys don’t pay attention to you? Well MEN FEEL THE SAME TOO. Because WE’RE ALL JUST PEOPLE. Get a clue. DATING IS NOT JUST ALL ABOUT THE WOMAN’S FEELINGS. It takes two to dance. If you want to dance then you have to work with us not against us.