I Have Never Climaxed
“I have never had an orgasm”
Editor:: I’ve invited Masturbation Coach, Wendy R Fuller to discuss this common issue.
I met a woman at Starbucks yesterday who wanted to get together to brainstorm career possibilities with me. She was so interested in my Life Coaching with a deep curiosity about my niche – Women’s Sex Coaching. Like me she is 53 years old. In the course of our brief visit she said she had never reached orgasm, or rather voiced this question, I wonder what has stopped me from having an orgasm?
So, let’s get down to talking about women who can’t cum. Who have never cum. All women deserve to live in the fullest of their creation. And the good news is that what men like in bed is for you to be orgasmic.
Our clitoris is there for pleasure and pleasure alone. If you have seen the Vagina Monologues you will have learned that the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings while the penis has 1,000. How amazing is that? I love being a woman!
Speaking of your clitoris, have you ever seen it? I mean a man has known all his life what his penis looks like. He can see it, he can play with is easily, he may even name it. Women on the other hand are not as familiar with their parts, have never taken the time to take a good look at their vulva. We have somehow taken on the belief that our vulva is ugly, not pretty, smelly, ugly lips etc..
I have had women say to me when we are looking at their vulva together for the first time with mirror in hand, wow, I didn’t know had a urethra, I thought I peed out of my vagina. OK, I am getting carried away here. That is another article for another day.
If you are a woman who has never reached orgasm my heart goes out to you. You may indeed be feeling inadequate, embarrassed, ashamed, angry or disappointed. These emotions are common and understandable. Please let me affirm to you that there is nothing wrong with you, you do not need fixing, you are not broken. All you need is some time or someone to work you through your stuff to get to a place of letting go.
Some of the issues that the anorgasmic woman deals with are poor self image, lack of knowledge regarding their own bodies, childhood sexual abuse, religious stigmas and guilt, fear…..and what you fear may be different from what another woman fears. There is no right or wrong here. What you feel is important. You are important and worthy and valuable.
Some women talk about the fear of letting go. The fear of trusting someone to love them. The fear of never ‘getting there’ (orgasm). The fear of not being good enough. The fear of being damaged goods. The fear of being punished. Any of this land with you?
Imagine for a moment, you are in a relationship with a wonderful man. What happens for the man who’s wife is unable to cum. No matter how hard he tries or how much he wants her to cum, he can’t make it happen. Imagine his self esteem. His manhood not effective. Hmmmm, then look at the impact of all of this on a couples relationship.
So the solution is not in 500 words or less. However, let’s slow all this down and have you get yourself a free standing mirror and take a good, long look at your vulva. Yes, look at yourself. Know this, your vagina is your place of receiving. It is the entrance to your soul. Look at your vulva, pull your pubic mound back to see your clit exposed. Maybe name your clit. Put your hand on your vulva and say to yourself, I love myself. I give myself permission to be sexual, I am safe, I love being a woman, my body is my friend, My vulva, pussy, cunt, whatever your words are….is so beautiful.
Please remove all pressure to cum!!!!! Seriously.
Instead give yourself permission to open to orgasm, to feel pleasure, to say yes to your sexuality, to be OK with the ride to the top. Take all focus off the phantom goal of orgasm. This will only create anxiety and get you into your head while making love to yourself or partner sex.
Get to know your body. Notice the sensations in your body while you are riding the pleasure wave. Actually say while making love, I love myself, I love me, I am worth loving. You really are worth loving. I love my body. My body is my friend. I am safe. Simply take the time to notice yourself. Notice where you are stuck, notice your thoughts, reply here with your thoughts and let’s work through them.
I have had the most blessed privilege of supporting a number of women to their first orgasm. It is a time of great joy, happy tears, releasing of emotion, laughter and celebration. A most powerful transformation takes place in this woman’s life, not just her sex life. We are not women on the one hand and sexual on the other. In our entirety we are whole and complete and in that completion is our sexual selves.
There is sooooooo much more to share on this. I look forward to your insights and responses.
By Wendy Fuller, Masturbation Coach
[Editor Jay Archer :: Share your feedback and questions for Coach Wendy below…]