I Have Never Climaxed

“I have never had an orgasm”

Editor:: I’ve invited Masturbation Coach, Wendy R Fuller to discuss this common issue.

I met a woman at Starbucks yesterday who wanted to get together to brainstorm career possibilities with me. She was so interested in my Life Coaching with a deep curiosity about my niche – Women’s Sex Coaching. Like me she is 53 years old. In the course of our brief visit she said she had never reached orgasm, or rather voiced this question, I wonder what has stopped me from having an orgasm?

So, let’s get down to talking about women who can’t cum. Who have never cum. All women deserve to live in the fullest of their creation. And the good news is that what men like in bed is for you to be orgasmic.

Our clitoris is there for pleasure and pleasure alone. If you have seen the Vagina Monologues you will have learned that the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings while the penis has 1,000. How amazing is that? I love being a woman!

Speaking of your clitoris, have you ever seen it? I mean a man has known all his life what his penis looks like. He can see it, he can play with is easily, he may even name it. Women on the other hand are not as familiar with their parts, have never taken the time to take a good look at their vulva. We have somehow taken on the belief that our vulva is ugly, not pretty, smelly, ugly lips etc..

I have had women say to me when we are looking at their vulva together for the first time with mirror in hand, wow, I didn’t know had a urethra, I thought I peed out of my vagina. OK, I am getting carried away here. That is another article for another day.

If you are a woman who has never reached orgasm my heart goes out to you. You may indeed be feeling inadequate, embarrassed, ashamed, angry or disappointed. These emotions are common and understandable. Please let me affirm to you that there is nothing wrong with you, you do not need fixing, you are not broken. All you need is some time or someone to work you through your stuff to get to a place of letting go.

Some of the issues that the anorgasmic woman deals with are poor self image, lack of knowledge regarding their own bodies, childhood sexual abuse, religious stigmas and guilt, fear…..and what you fear may be different from what another woman fears. There is no right or wrong here. What you feel is important. You are important and worthy and valuable.

Some women talk about the fear of letting go. The fear of trusting someone to love them. The fear of never ‘getting there’ (orgasm). The fear of not being good enough. The fear of being damaged goods. The fear of being punished. Any of this land with you?

Imagine for a moment, you are in a relationship with a wonderful man. What happens for the man who’s wife is unable to cum. No matter how hard he tries or how much he wants her to cum, he can’t make it happen. Imagine his self esteem. His manhood not effective. Hmmmm, then look at the impact of all of this on a couples relationship.

So the solution is not in 500 words or less. However, let’s slow all this down and have you get yourself a free standing mirror and take a good, long look at your vulva. Yes, look at yourself. Know this, your vagina is your place of receiving. It is the entrance to your soul. Look at your vulva, pull your pubic mound back to see your clit exposed. Maybe name your clit. Put your hand on your vulva and say to yourself, I love myself. I give myself permission to be sexual, I am safe, I love being a woman, my body is my friend, My vulva, pussy, cunt, whatever your words are….is so beautiful.

Please remove all pressure to cum!!!!! Seriously.

Instead give yourself permission to open to orgasm, to feel pleasure, to say yes to your sexuality, to be OK with the ride to the top. Take all focus off the phantom goal of orgasm. This will only create anxiety and get you into your head while making love to yourself or partner sex.

Get to know your body. Notice the sensations in your body while you are riding the pleasure wave. Actually say while making love, I love myself, I love me, I am worth loving. You really are worth loving. I love my body. My body is my friend. I am safe. Simply take the time to notice yourself. Notice where you are stuck, notice your thoughts, reply here with your thoughts and let’s work through them.

I have had the most blessed privilege of supporting a number of women to their first orgasm. It is a time of great joy, happy tears, releasing of emotion, laughter and celebration. A most powerful transformation takes place in this woman’s life, not just her sex life. We are not women on the one hand and sexual on the other. In our entirety we are whole and complete and in that completion is our sexual selves.

There is sooooooo much more to share on this. I look forward to your insights and responses.

By Wendy Fuller, Masturbation Coach

[Editor Jay Archer :: Share your feedback and questions for Coach Wendy below…]

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29 responses to “I Have Never Climaxed”

  1. embarrassed says:

    This sort of thing has never worked for me — over literally decades of similar reassuring advice and practice (with therapists, books, toys, mirrors, pictures, films — you name it — and a VERY affectionate understanding husband). I turn 48 in a few days: I definitely enjoy sex, but either I have never climaxed or I wouldn’t know a climax even if it showed up and handed me a resumé. Is there any hope?

    • Kerry says:

      well i will be 27 next month and i too find it a challenge to climax. i have had sex with three different men and still haven’t experienced it. i just come to the conclusion that i’m one those females who might never experience what it feels like. unlike a lot of females, i don’t think i enjoys sex that much; i need to learn how to connect with my sexuality, any advice?

  2. Cee says:

    Can you teach me how to squirt (female ejacualtion). Can every woman squirt and if not is there some type of surgery that can help fix it where you can squrit? My partner really likes seeing women do this and I’m upset that I can’t. I’m 48. Please help.

    • Archer says:

      Cee, yes you can learn how to squirt. Look at…

      http://masteryourman.com/howtosquirt

      Cheers,
      J

    • hey says:

      I can squrit but never when im with a man only when im alone. Its alway a let down for them after they find out i can but they are unable to make me. I feel im about it but then it just goes away and does not come back. Its not them they do great i dont know im not able to with them but it upsets me as well, so in a way i know what your going through. I wish i could tell you the secret how but honestly i have no idea its just somthing i have always done when i pleaser myself.

  3. Alexis says:

    I can’t say I approve of some of the things said in this article. The following quote, for example, is overly sexist.

    “What happens for the man who’s wife is unable to cum. No matter how hard he tries or how much he wants her to cum, he can’t make it happen. Imagine his self esteem. His manhood not effective.”

    This idea plays off of the stereotypical gender roles established in the 1950s, where it is the women’s job to do what is expected of her by her man in order to ensure that he feels like a man. And somehow, a woman not feeing comfortable enough to climax is letting down her man and reducing his manhood. Perhaps if we want women to climax, we should stop pressuring them to listen to societal stigmas about how women should be making their man feel in bed.

    Furthermore, I find the terms “pussy” and “cunt” be be offensive and degrading to women as it objectifies them as sexual objects. While women may be sexual, we are not objects put on this earth for the sexual arousal of men and I don’t feel that we should refer to ourselves in such a derogatory manner if we are truly supposed to be loving ourselves and our sexuality.

    • Anonymous says:

      yeah it was meant in the way that if you can’t please someone, your self esteem is lowered. just the same as if u blow your man for an hour and he doesnt come. doesn’t make you feel good. doesnt make a man feel good when he cant make you cum. thats all that meant. not sexist at all. i could say im a lesbian and i cant make my girlfriend cum, hurts just the same and not in any way a sexist remark. nice try trying to make a point of the sexism. and its my pussy, i can call it whatever nasty word i want. if you prefer to call yours your vagina, good for you. it is offensive to you, it is not offensive to the whole world. sorry. and it is not about a woman letting her man down, this article is about feeling comfortable enough to let go, one small comment about your man does not make this whole article stereotypical. take it easy Alexis.

    • Anonymous says:

      Interesting. Most people that cant handle the word pussy or cunt would not come to this site in the first place

    • Veronica says:

      I see where you are coming from, but in partner sex, of any gender or sexual orientation, it is a good feeling to please your partner, and even if you were to be making love to a woman, it would be disappointing for them to not be able to bring you to that beautiful place that brings you together. So, I think that instead of being held up on the fact that she wants women to “please their man,” you should instead realize that in having sex with a partner, there is a beautiful connection in which both people want to reach the same goal: a connection with one another. When one person feels inadequate, as in the woman, so does the other person, the other partner(man or woman), and there can’t be a connection that is the most beautiful part of sex.
      And for those of us who are more kinky than others, I quite like it when my husband refers to my vagina as my “pussy” or “cunt.” Just like he allows me to slap him around and call him my “bitch” at times….its just what works for some people…so don’t judge.

    • Wendy Fuller says:

      Hey there Alexis. Thank you so much for your feedback. The tagline on my business card is ‘Give Your Sexuality Voice’. So clearly, you will know that I am celebrating you with gratitude. You used your voice to share your thoughts. I love it. It is like you have a cause and that is a cause to protect women’s rights and freedom. Correct me if this is not it.

      Let me speak to a couple of things you wrote. Re; the man and his self esteem, etc. Have you ever met a couple who love each other immensely, spend hours in sexual play every week? Make sex/intimacy an important part of their relationship and she is unable to get off? Most of my work centers around a woman who in unable to cum. And, let’s also be clear that is that woman is in a relationship and she is not able to let go with the man % of the time.

      Example, if you give the man you love a blowjob and he stays flacid and doesn’t get hard. How do you feel? What if he gets hard and never ever comes with you, for you. How do you feel? Men have feelings too.

      Many years ago a wise older woman said to me, Cunt, it means holy wall. I there and then adopted the word as a word of beauty. At the first sex show in Vancouver I was walking to give a seminar and a drunk man bashed into in the crowd and said, get out of the way you stupid cunt. I looked at him and said with a big smile, cunt? Thank you! People around laughed and certainly took notice. From my perspective he called me a holy wall.

      I hope to hear back from you. I am really liking that you are of strong female opinion. Thank you so much for writing.

  4. Em says:

    I loved this article….Unfortunately, I don’t think I can make myself believe “I am worth loving, beautiful, safe etc” my self-esteem is probably too low for that. Lucky though (!) I have no problem cumming alone when masturbating, I actually cum faster then I would like to sometimes, it’s so easy! Enjoying sex with a partner is another story though….things can get a bit awkward xD but I’m trying to learn as much from this site as I can :D. You are both (Archer and Wendy Fuller) doing a great job! 😀

    • Wendy Fuller says:

      EM! wahoo to cumming. The first thing I thought when you said I actually cum faster than I would like sometimes is wahoo, have many more orgasms. One is always the beginning of more and the BIG one. Ok, the coach is me is alive and well. Em, the next time you masturbate -make love to yourself, slow down. Deep breathe. With your breathe say aloud to yourself, I love you Em. I love me. Touch your body all over and notice the sensation of all your skin. When you get to the cusp of going over to orgasm, slow down and breathe some more. You may want to get well used to pleasure.

      NOW, I am giving you some basic homework as if you were a lovely client of mine. Get some post-its and write on them and post them everywhere, in your car, on your fridge, your bathroom…and write on them, I am a woman of great worth and value. I love myself unconditionally. Say them aloud all the time. Say them with a dance. It is time to reprogram your cell memory! You are so worth loving.

      Keep me posted as to how you are doing! please.

  5. Kerri says:

    I have had many orgasms before on my own my problem is that I can not have am orgasm from my husband vaginally or with my …… other I dont know what it is that is holding me back from it I have came close before but never quite finished I know its wrong to fake it but I know how bad it hurts a mans self esteem when he cant satisfy and I do fake it to make him feel good but it really does bother me please help me

  6. june says:

    hi, that’s a very liberating andencouraging article. lot’s of women actually need to read this. personally. i liked the part “…Actually say while making love, I love myself, I love me, I am worth loving. You really are worth loving. I love my body. My body is my friend. I am safe.” …I needed this sooo much. thank you guys. you are doing a great job!

    @Alexis: maybe you are right in some parts, but there’s no denying that if a woman is not comfortable with her own self, she can cause her man to feel low, coz he will forever remain puzzled as to what he is doing wrong.and if this continues for sometime it is a surefire recipe to a disastrous relation. isn’t it?
    and what’s wrong with pussy or cunt? isn’t that a bit stereotypically backdated!! as long as you feel it degrading, it will degrade you. start enjoying, and no one will ever be able to offend you with that term. i mean, i don’t know any guy getting offended if you call his penis a cock or dick! LOL!!

  7. Anonymous says:

    I also realised that when am alone i come with easy, ofcourse it scares me and most of the tym i stop myself before completion. i would really love to climax when am making love to my sexual partner but i have neva been able to let go completely. am always thinking bout stuff.

    • Anonymous says:

      I have issues having an orgasm. I tense up and cannot let go please help!!

    • Wendy Fuller says:

      Oh courageous woman. Listen to what it is that scares you. What are you afraid of that might happen if you let go? Listen to the first thing that comes into your head. And then expand on that. You so deserve to be able to cum, to love yourself and to be loved fully by another. And yes, your most useful sex organ, NOT, your brain is really messing with you. There are ways to let this go. Please stay in touch and let’s create a space for you to experience the fullness of the life you so deserve. Your body knows what to do, your mind isn’t helping.

      Big hug!

  8. Mika says:

    I liked this article. Alexis, Wendy wasn’t trying to be offensive when she used the words “pussy” and “cunt”. Some people refer to women’s body parts like that just as some people refer to men’s penises as “dick” and “cock”. And she did say vulva or WHATEVER word you prefer. Thank you Wendy for the inspiration.

    • Wendy Fuller says:

      Mika, thank you for sharing another perspective. A motto in the coaching world is NO ONE GETS TO BE WRONG. You did a great job of sharing your thoughts without making someone else wrong. So interesting that all of us can be laser focused on one perpsective and lose the joy of possibility, whether it be a sexual issue or any issue.

      I get that you get where I was coming from. One of the questions I often ask women is Who gave you permission to be sexual?

      I ask that of you now? Who empowered you to be open and understanding within the realm of your sexuality? You are a gentle, thoughtful person and most intuitive. I am wondering what has caused you to have so much compassion.

      CUM on Mika. Love yourself first and say yes to receiving love. Blessings to you!

  9. Anonymous says:

    I have a difficult time having an orgasm. When I am by myself I can do it, but it takes about 20mins. When I am being stimulated by my boyfriend it takes me at least 30-45mins. Lately I have not been able to orgasm at all that way. And I do not know if I have ever had an orgasm during sex. It is very frustrating I get so tense, but for some reason I cannot let myself go, and if I relax I loose all of my arousal. Please help!!!

  10. Shell says:

    Hi Wendy!
    I was excited when I first got this email because I am havng some problems too. I can orgasam and have not had troubles in the past, however, I cannot cum while having sex with my husband. I can masturbate and have my husband masturbate me, but when it comes to sex, I just can’t cum. We have been seperated in the past but have finally come to a good place in our relationship where we are both happy again. I have a few medical issues and am now on the pill contunually to stop my menstral cycle as I clot very badly and have heavy bleeding. We would like to think about trying for another baby in a year or so as well. These are all things that weigh n my mind. I feel bad for my husband because I know that he really wants to make me cum. He did have errection problems when we reconcilled 3 months ago and it has taken us a while to work through them, he feels that he should be able to help me as easily as I helped him (even though it wasn’t as easy as it seemed, I just handle things differently!). I could probably write all day about these issues, however, I will leave it there and hopefully I will be able to fnd some answers. Thanks!

  11. Hope says:

    I have a slight problem with climaxing…. I’ve never done it, not even alone… My man is good and gets me almost to the point of climaxing, but I just can’t… It’s like going up a mountain, I get to the top and instead of climbing over the edge, I fall right back down. Even alone…. I have tried to figure out why, but I just can’t. My boo gets cramps in his groin trying to get me to climax and I know he feels inadequate even though he insists he’s ok. Any ideas on how to help me before this ruins my relationship??

  12. Molly says:

    Hi,
    I found the article to be very insightful. Like many of the others that commented, I have no problem masturbating. I find it very pleasurable and have no trouble in that area whatsoever because I am open to trying new things. My trouble is that this is my FIRST sexual partner and I’m not sure whether I have climaxed vagnially or by my g-spot. How do you tell if you have or not and if not then what are some good ways to go about doing that?

    Thanks

  13. Kay says:

    I’m 24 and finaly had my 1st orgasm. I was always afraid that our nieghbors or son would hear me, so I had keeping quiet on my mind the whole time. So on our way home from date night I decided to find a back road and have sex in the truck. I was finaly able to just completely let go of everything and enjoy the ride. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it more than you will ever know. 🙂

  14. Divina Saenz says:

    Extremely helpful!

    Thank You for the insight, I have never been able to reach an orgasm. The sex is great while the time last, however my one and only intimate Lover and I always reach climax at the same moment. We don’t have protected sex nor do I use Birth Control we use the “pull out method” for three years now so I am left unloaded yet aroused every time.
    Ofcourse, I fear unplanned pregnancy but if we were to continue without that fear I know we would have an Earth shattering experience!

    My question to you is, Does Birth Control damage how fertile you will be once you are ready to become impregnated?

    In other words can Birthday Control negatively impact the female reproductive system?

    Because, I am ready to begin Birth Control however fear the risk if any.

    oment.

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