…Without hurting his feelings
It’s 7:30 in the morning, my friend Chris tells me, and was feeling frisky so he starts to give his girlfriend, Kim, a gentle back-rub. He tells me, his back-rub is gold for getting her in the mood.
Not a bad to wake up though, is it?
After a minute she snaps “Chris! Give it a rest, OK? God! That’s it. I can’t stay over weekdays anymore.”
[Whimper. Tail between legs]
Male Translation - “Nice try buddy! Sex with you isn’t as good as what I’m doing now OR nowhere close to being good enough to justify the effort. Beat it!”
OK, maybe she’s not a morning person and she may have been legitimately tired. (I’ll be the first to admit I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine in the A.M.)
What’s funny is this women will be emailing me next month saying…“He never wants sex, what do I do?”
Now, as dumb as we men are we DO learn some things pretty quickly – especially when we get hurt. (Hard to believe but we have feelings too)
Rejection is just one of the reasons men can lose interest in sex with their mate.
It’s OK to reject his sexual advances. My suggestion? Reframe your rejection as a delay or postponement not a big red ‘stop sign.’
Kim could have said. “Honey, that feels so good! Why don’t you give me X more minutes and I’ll be ready to go, OK?” or “I love it. Why don’t we snuggle for 10 more minutes first?”
(I’ve got a dozen of these handy little phrases)
You’ve acknowledged him and his effort, encouraged him, said ‘yes’ but with a fair and easily attainable condition and time.
Result – he won’t feel like you slapped his male ego in the face and threw a drink on his passion.
What happened to Kim and Chris? Well…they broke up 1 week later.
NO! Not because of that 1 incident. Men aren’t THAT sensitive. They had only been going out for 3 months and that was just the straws that broke the male camels back. BUT it certainly was one of the factors.
Reframe your ‘rejection’ and he won’t feel … rejected.
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Well, all of your answers however, indicate that the woman will have sex then in the morning, if given time…and some women won’t always want sex in the morning or other times for that matter so, how do you “correctly” tell him nicely, not now, but absolutely later on …like that night or the next day for example????
Elayne, I would…
1) Have sex in the AM them, then after…
2) Tell him it was good and tell him when you really LOVE having sex and that you’d never say to it if he approached you then.
Ha ha… it’s my man that has the headache, stress….
Yes, I did marry an older man…..8 years difference…
Men quit wining….
perfect advice! thank you
helpful advise
What’s an easy way to explain that you just aren’t feeling sexual anymore and continually stopping his advances?
Rachel,
Good question. When you find out – let us know.
Having regular sex is key to having a healthy relationship, don’t you think?
I would get to the root of your ‘not feeling sexual’ issue – and strive to solve it.
It was a good answer; but what if you are sick with the flu; have a temperature and coughing but your man still expects you to do him?
Gigi, I’m pretty confident you can answer that yourself.
PLUS if he’s trying to have sex with you when you are a ‘mess’ …well, that’s pretty insensitive.
The girlfriend was pretty insensitive. I appreciate the tips on how we can say “not right now” politely. Mornings are easier for men because they seem to wake up with an erection. Since it takes longer for women to get aroused (foreplay), it’s kind of difficult to just give into the occasion. Sometimes though, I must admit, I just say “go ahead”, and let him do his thing while I just lie there like a corpse (oh,my goodness, my husband would be so upset if he saw this). When you’re married and have kids, its not always easy. You’re either too tired at night, and not ready in the morning. Sometimes, I miss my single days when I’d do whatever I could to arouse him, and keep him happy. Got the ring, got lazy!
Belle, “Got the ring, got lazy!”
You know better than that but I’m glad you’re aware of it.
Why not try an experiment this month? Put 25% more effort in and see what transforms in your relationship and get back to us. Are you up for it?
I’d be curious to know.
Jay,
I know this isn’t a laughing matter, but you made me laugh.
I’ll try to do better. Promise.
Well, what about when you’re the one being rejected?
My beau and I have a healthy relationship– but as of tomorrow it will be two weeks without having sex,and I don’t know what to do anymore. Im sick of talking about not having sex when we don’t have sex, and I’m sick of trying to explain how messed up the whole thing is making me, it makes me want to be vindictive when he wants to have sex again.
I’m a sexy intelligent young woman, and I’m really starting to think of going elsewhere for sex, but then I get upset knowing the sex when we did have it, was incredible. Any tips?
What are some simple things that can make sex more fun and pleasurable for both of us so that both of us want to have sex more?
Also, what are some simple things I can do to make me more appealing so that he will want to have sex more?
Gah… Marissa i know what you mean!!! What can I do to make myself more appealing, Im going nuts–one time in three weeks is nuts, im tired of being rejected and him losing a hard on WHEN IM SUCKING HIS DICK
and, not to be narcissistic, but I give really good head.
Can’t wait to hear Jay’s resonses to the above questions? Jay, where are you? Also, what are some possible reasons why a man would lose an erection during felatio?
Belle, in answer to your question “why do men would lose erection during fellatio?” It’s possibly…
- Stress
- Medication related
- Drug/narcotic/alcohol related
- A blow job gone wrong…
Any other ideas?
lol YOU didn’t ANSWER that question! You’re not rejecting someone if you have sex anyways…
The irony is priceless….we have since broken up
in the end he told me the lack of sex was due to our fighting whenever I got drink, which is really unfortunate because the only reason I was picking a fight was because of the lack of sex. Kind of a neverending circle but in the end it made sense, leading me to believe that women and men really aren’t that different at all. How can you keep an attraction to someone that is constantly bringing you down? Funny how when you’re in the eye of the storm you lose perspective, unable to see the situation for what it really is.