She Wants To Learn How To Let Go In Bed

On January 18, 2011, in Alpha Male Answers, by Jay Archer

Q: I am not that sexually experienced. I want to be damn good in bed so I’ve read all these articles on the net and but i haven’t tried them because I’m not confident, at all. I masturbate all the time and it feels so damn good that I cum all over the place. But, when I’m with my man in bed I just lay there because my mind isn’t into it. I know I’m a big freak deep down and i want it to come out, but how??

- Tammy

A: By ‘let your freak out’ I assume you mean how to let go in bed.

In your case, Tammy, I’d put you on a masturbation free diet for 2-weeks. No masturbating. None. Are you freaking out?

You’re highly sexual and orgasmic, which is good. But, as you said, most of your sexual experience is by yourself – a classic case of  “Nobody knows how to make love to me like myself.”

After the 7-days you CAN have sex with your man…but still NO masturbating.

You’re going to experience some extremely pent up energy. Instead of releasing it by masturbating like you typically do, unleash your pent up sexual energy and passion on your man. (Lucky guy. He’s not going to know what hit him)

Being a professional masturbater you probably very experienced climax (like most women) by direct clitoral stimulation. So I want you to get on top and ride your man by straddling him. Instead of moving your hips up and down you’re going to sit down and focus on directly stimulating your clitoris by rubbing it against his pubic bone (I recommend using some lubrication to avoid rug burn) by moving your hips back and forth (tilt your hips toward his toes then up towards his chest).

Notice the difference in bed with him after your masturbation fast. Also notice the difference in week 2 as you stay masturbation free but are having sex. You’re inner freak will begin to start showing herself.

Initially, close your eyes and use the same visualization you practice when you masturbate to help you achieve orgasm. Once you get the hang of it and want to take the intensity of your orgasms to the next level, open your eyes and connect with your man. The orgasms you experience while you’re present and connected with him will blow any have alone out of the water.

Going on a masturbation diet, refocusing your pent up sexual energy on your man and using the technique I laid out will help you learn how to let go in bed and free your inner freak. I promise.

[ Jay Archer : Any more tips for Tammy? Have you  experienced
the same issue? Any other issues? Share them below...]

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18 Responses to She Wants To Learn How To Let Go In Bed

  1. Em says:

    Same story here(exactly)…..great advice( I have been on “masturbation diets” before and it does make you pretty crazy xD) unfortunately I have no man to practice with at the moment :( .xD :P

  2. lisa says:

    A few glasses of wine won’t hurt for letting go of your inhibitions.

  3. Ashley says:

    I think it’s also important to feel completely comfortable with the man you’re with. If he’s judgmental or critical, that might shut you down because you’re embarrassed or self-conscious around him. But if you completely trust him and he’s an understanding person, that will help. If he’s NOT cool and understanding, ditch him and snag a new man ASAP!!

  4. MissM says:

    If you want to let go, stop thinking so hard about letting go!
    The brain is very powerful and to add to Ashley’s point, if we are thinking about our lumps/ bumps/ stretchmarks/ ohmigod I hope I have an orgasm, then we won’t relax!! Breathe, be in the moment and try to relax.

    MissM

  5. Mika says:

    I agree with Ashley. Its really important that you are comfortable with your man. I’d start off by focusing completely on you and your pleasure. And then you can focus on him. If he’s understanding about the situation your man won’t mind at all. Help him to help you as well. Tell him what you want and how to do it. And definitely take Jay’s advice when your riding your man by going back and forth. Going and up and down can make you tired pretty quickly if your legs aren’t strong enough or you don’t have enough stamina. Enjoy getting your freak on!! Valentine’s day is coming up soon. :-)

  6. VJ says:

    I absolutely agree with Ashley. If you are not feeling safe with your partner, that’s mentally, emotionally, and physically safe, you won’t be able to “let go” regardless of how much you visualize or go on a “masturbation diet”.

  7. Evelyn says:

    Ashley is dead on with her advice. As a woman who is very much “instinctual” when I’m with a man I’m attracted to, I can’t tell you how many men out there are uncomfortable when a woman is open and enjoying the experience. It seems counter-intuitive, but there it is. It’s like they want to keep their own passionate wild side under control and treat sex like adjusting the controls on an ancient TV and then plugging it in and using the partner’s body as a way to masturbate. No connection and certainly not much fun.

    Not only must the woman be comfortable with herself and her partner, the guy also needs to be comfortable with his own sexual needs and enjoying his partner as part of his arousal. Too often women bear the blame of a guy’s inability to accept himself as a man and not just a human male.

  8. Jamie says:

    Masturbation diet good idea. It is very important to be in tune with yourself. Know what turns you on from a man, get some toys too. Plus, the more you’re willing to let go, I’ve noticed so is your man. It may be kinda weird at first; however, actually “allow” your inner sex freak permission to come out and she will. I say before an encounter turn on some sexy tunes and simply set the mood so she is less inhibited. Fantasize, fantasize, fantasize. Did I say fantasize? You’ll find her you simply have to let her know it’s ok to come out and play with your man!

  9. ann says:

    i think it is easier to re-introduce yourself by starting out in shallow water: text him a flirty little tease of what you ‘d like to do in bed the next time you are together. see if he is interested in “freaking” a little… then keep it up. Deliver the goods, text the next thing you want to do… toys are an excellent way of changing boring bedroom behaviour that has become monotonous.. Have Fun. Treat the bed like it is your persona playground for just the two of you to experiment in tin have more fun. :)

  10. Kris says:

    I have a problem that could end my two year relationship.
    I can’t climax, I haven’t been able to for months. It doesn’t matter whether its masturbation or not.
    I do my best to help my partner, mainly because it doesn’t take him very long at all, and he’s only interested in getting off anyway. I’m hardly interested in sex, I rarely feel aroused, and every night I am expected to reciprocate to meet his demands. Its getting more difficult to follow through with this every night, because on top of the frustration, he waits until I am falling asleep before asking me for anything (for example: 4am). I know that it would be stupid of me to ask him to ask him to ask him to plan his approach earlier all the time, but its almost like clockwork for him.

    So most of the time, he will either lie next to me or go out into the living room (depending on whether or not we have guests), and masturbate to what little porn I have made for him.
    He says that he has interest in me sexually, because I meet all of his physical qualifications, so I’m not worried about him cheating, and I am not concerned about my appearance in any other aspect than health. But I feel guilty because I’m growing disinterested.

    We haven’t made love in over a year, its only been rough sex in the same boring positions.
    I have tried everything I can think of to spice it up to at least make it interesting, but he complains that its an insult to him.
    He also thinks that it is an insult to him when I can’t climax after five minutes of sex.
    I couldn’t even do that when I masturbated.

    Sex used to be so much fun, especially with him. But now there is so much tension that I can’t deal with the slightest prod anymore. The second he complains about me not being interested, I respond that I don’t enjoy it because he waits until too late at night, and he wont slow down when I say that I’m in pain -the pain could be the result of my ovarian disease (or at least, that is what the doctor told me). I understand that sex and stimulation functions with two participants, but I think that I’m the only one who cares now.

    I keep telling him that if he wants to seriously help me that he needs to stop talking about my body while he’s trying to get me off. I hate it, its his only focus, always being told that I’m ‘hot’, and I absolutely hate it. I feel like a damn object because the only thing he can bring up during sex -whether prior or during- is my tits. I’ve also told him that being rough does not help me, but this has changed nothing. Even when he goes down on me, he is too rough. He bites my lips, nipples, and my clit. Now matter how many times I tell him that I hate it, he never stops. I have even gone so far as to deprive him of all sexual intimacy for a month because of that -and he knew that was the reason. He stopped for all of three days thereafter.

    I feel terrible because I feel compelled to experiment with someone who has shown interest in my needs for a while. But I wont do that as long as I’m in my relationship. I love my partner, but I don’t like his “repeat-what-doesn’t-work-and-expect-a-different-result” attitude. And after reading all of these articles, and researching different ways to help my sex life, it doesn’t matter because it is perceived as an insult to him, and not a favour for the both of us.

    Any ideas on what I could do? Other than the obvious answer of breaking up?

    • Archer says:

      Kris, before I answer…

      Has you sex life always been like this? When did it change? Are you on medication that could cause a lowering of libido? Are there new external stresses in your life? How old/young are you?

      When you masturbate – what do you think happens in your mind to prevent you from climaxing?

      I’m not putting this all on you, ok? From what you described your man is a hard case.

      Good for you for sticking it out. We’ll see about finding a solution.

      Jay

    • Ttree says:

      Hey Kris

      It sounds like you’re having to do a lot of the giving in this relationship. This guy might not be right for you. Are you staying with him because you feel you “should” the same reason (I gather, anyway) that you are giving him sex? Do you still love this guy?
      No, don’t cheat, but just reconsider whether he is the one for you. It sounds like he doesn’t know how to be gentle with you. I don’t know how much you’ve talked to him, whether you’ve had a real heart-to heart or maybe have felt afraid to explain exactly how you feel, in detail.
      It sounds like he is not treating you right, he is watching porn you make him rather than making sure your needs are met? As well as treating you roughly? It sounds like he is more concerned about himself, especially if you have already made it clear to him (which the one month without sex should have). You seem to be doing a lot of things out of guilt. It is possible that you may even be feeling depressed (which makes orgasming even harder), as your focus is on pleasing him. “I feel guilty because I am disinterested.” Remember, you never have to do anything out of guilt. The real question is whether you love him. Love can never be forced, and has to go both ways for it to work. If you find you don’t love him, and don’t actually want to be with him at all, as your interest in this other guy may (or may not) indicate, then the answer is simple, and it’s time to end it.

  11. nikki says:

    Wow Kris… I’m sorry hon, seems as if you have quite a bit going on. I’m no professional but it seems like you have a lot of valid reasons for being uninterested. Based on your comment your bf seems to be a very selfish lover & how would you enjoy that? He doesnt want to try new things becuz he finds them insulting but he bites you to the point that its uncomfortable for you? Even after you tell him?! Unacceptable! The fact that he doesnt care that he’s hurting you is insulting. Sounds as if youre being treated like an object instead of a person. He could buy a blow up doll for what he wants! You also mentioned an ovarian disease I’m sorry you’re going thru that… this could be a source of some of your physical pain, but i honestly think that youre disgusted with the bites, the 4am, the roughness, and his insensitivity. I’m sorry but it may be time to “break up” & focus on yourself for a while, maybe seek help about how to handle the ovarian issue as it relates to sex. Maybe not having the anticipation of having to please him sexually (and totally on his terms) will help you relax and you may find that you can then climax. We all want to be made love to sometimes and not… f***’d ALL the time. No one deserves all that you are going thru. Dont waste time being in pain. You sound like a good woman who wants to please her man and we all should… but you also deserve to be pleased by him. I wish you all the best!

  12. megan says:

    I dont know how to cum, i never have been able to and i don’t know how, even when masturbating and i cant and my man really wants me to.. only i cant.

    also my man is getting surgery on his knee and our fav position is doggy.. now we cant what do you suggest we do? being on top really doesn’t work for me HELP

  13. Pat says:

    I don’t think I am riding my man good .when I do ride my man my legs be hurting me please tell me what to do.I have not have that much experience .

  14. silly girl says:

    I don’t know how to have an orgasm or cum

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