A friend of mine has broken up with his girlfriend 12x in 6 months. No, I’m not exaggerating!
1. What advice do you have for him?
2. Any thoughts on their relationship future?
Share your advice and personal experience
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hmm.. is he breaking up or she?
he should get some help from a psychologist with understanding of relationships and childhood stuff.. and he should think about what he wants with her, why he can’t break loose/or be consistent.. not much use in just telling him pal to pal what to do, cuz that won’t work.. he needs to understand what he’s doing and why.. desire or compulsion is not so easy to just give advice on.. cuz it has a life of its own.. that’s the wisdom of today..
From what I understand he is doing the breaking up but I’m sure the reality is that its mutual!
6 months is not a long time at all for a relationship, it is usually still new and exciting at this stage. I think that the amount of times there has been breaks in the relationship speaks for itself…..its not working. They both need to sit down and discuss why these break keep happening. Are they not compatible? Do they need to talk more when problems occur? Or is one or the other not fully committed to the relationship? If its mostly one sided then the person could not be mature enough to have a relationship. If it was me personally i,d be thinking of ending it as all the on/off would do my head in totally.
Are you allowed to give any details? Is this the same friend who broke up with his girlfriend because she cheated on him, but the sex was good? Are they grown ups or children? : )
Lady Belle, yup same guy was before but I don’t remember her cheating on him just not appreciating him
Wow, well, I think he does have a problem and should decide if he really wants to be with her. Maybe he’s not a relationship kind of guy? There’s not a lot of detail to base advice on (sorry for not being helpful). I know one thing though, if he’s the one deciding to break up everytime and not his girlfriend, she must be very stupid to still be with him! Although I understand, since we women tend to have the ability to bear everything and anything when we truly care
I’ve been there I guess.
Archer,
If he is your friend, are you giving him advice? You really seem to be intuitive and knowledgeable about relationships so I would think you would have some idea as to why your friend is behaving like this. I agree with Em if he keeps breaking up with her and she keeps taking him back then she must have a problem too. Maybe they have great passion and nothing else. Roller coasters are only fun for a while, eventually you want to be able to breathe a little in a relationship.
He’s a good friend who is NOT listening to reason or any advice.
My feeling is that he’s addicted to drama !
I’d say, he has some serious commitment issues. Even though I agree that the girl must be crazy and probably very in love. The boy is stupid as well. It can not be healthy for him either.
I think he has to question himself why he’s leaving her all the time. The reason to get back together is pretty simple, I think. He still loves her, or is attracted to her or something like that.
I’m not sure who has the bigger problem, the guy who keeps breaking up with his girlfriend or the girlfriend who keeps taking him back. I’d stop putting up with that real quick. It sounds manipulative and damamging to her self esteem. Sounds like a sociopath to me.
Is your friend just breaking up with her for a few hours and then getting back together? If that is the case they seem yo be in a juvenile relationship where they can’t talk through their issues. The vest advice is to sit down and and discuss their problems. They should try to figure out their expectations for their relationship and see where each of them want to be. If they want to totally different things then it may not be meant to be right now. He shouldn’t stay in the relationship if he feels obligated to be with her because its safe. That isn’t fair to either of them. Maybe they should see other people for awhile and try to find what they really want. Who knows they may be in different places on their life now but in a few years they might fit perfectly.
Good luck I hope this helps!
Breaking up 12x in six months is a paycheck NOT a relationship.
This is a dysfunctional relationship on some level. However, if he won’t consider any advice there is NOTHING you can do! People have to want to change their behaviour. All you can do is be there as a friend, and listen, when it finally ends.
Speaking from the perspective of someone who’s had a few decades to observe relationships, and several years of observing relationships with young people, this person just sounds very confused. Seems one day he’s content and the next day something else pops into his head that he’s unhappy with. Often this happens because he’s sitting around talking to his guy pals about what’s cool, and he realizes he’s not getting what someone else is getting and figures he’s entitled to *that*, too. Just an observation, but more often than not, this happens.
My advice would be to just stop dating for a while! Six months at a minimum. I’m not saying he can’t see women, but he needs to get a grip on what it is he really wants before he considers getting serious with anyone.
It’s time for some introspection and some experience. He needs to see a lot of women, have a lot of experiences and figure out from there what his goal in a relationship actually is. What it is he, personally, needs to find. It isn’t going to be the same as what six of his buddies want. This could take him six months or six years, but he is never going to be happy in any relationship until he gets a handle on it.
Adele, you’re so right. I told him the solution is to date other women – lots of them!
Wow! That is Crazy! but it takes 2 to tango..I think what’s happening here is that they met and the chemistry and vibes the connection they have together is wonderful! but the guy is emotional unavailable! and she is emotional available so they had sex and she went into the relationship thinking that this is the one! when he on the other hand didn’t he is thinking logical and she is thinking emotional..so when he starts withdrawing from her emotional state she starts becoming insecure nagging,pressuring him into a serious relationship when it’s only been 6mos! he’s no way near ready for a serious relationship!
So she becomes more frustrated and he become more frustrated from her pressuring him since he’s emotional unavailable it’s easier for him to just bail out of the relationship just to have peace of mind..it looks like he’s into her very much because he keeps going back for more but the whole situation will continue to bounce back and forth until somebody gives up! My opinion is she needs back off give him some room to breath and she needs to do something to get her mind off of him for awhile..maybe she can join a gym focus on her self! join a charity start helping others that are less fortunate than she is…there’s a lot out there to focus on! I could go on and on with this but the reality is that we women need to get more control of or emotional state and not let it ruin things in the process!
At the same time a man do think with his other head not the one between his shoulders but between his legs I guess that’s the way it is..we women are the one in control we have the power to not let a man use us abuse us.. or it can be visa versa but in this case it’s the man that’s tripping..
“A Man won’t do no more than a women will allow him to”
Now that’s real talk!
Honestly, it has always been in my good judgment that relationships tend not to work the second time around. If he has broken up with her there is obviously something he isn’t getting or something he doesn’t like about her. The proof is in the story, 12 in 6 months. Your friend has a problem with indecision, but the girl has a major problem with low self esteem. My advice, sit him down and ask him why he broke up with her, the exact reason each time. The ask him why he got back with her, again the exact reason each time. Then ask him if it’s really worth it. If its not he has his final answer, but if he is in love with her an dis afraid of commitment or whatever then help him through his issues.
Either way it is not just him that is having a problem, this girl is obviously crazy to put up with this shit unless they are in love. In that case they are both crazy but it can’t be helped.
In my opinion, both he AND his girlfriend have a problem. She is also agreeing to re-enter the relationship every time! Time to do some soul-searching. My advice: Step 1: each of them needs to determine his/her OWN personal needs, values, expectations, beliefs, and boundaries. Step 2: the two of them can share these personal commitments and convictions with each other and see if they match or complement. Step 3: if they match/agree on all or most of them, there is much greater potential for things to work out and it might be worth their while to put in the effort. If these foundational factors do not line up well, it’s time to cut their losses and move on as quickly as possible.
Jenny, agreed!
I wouldn’t call it a relationship. it’s more like a booty call thing. The guy breaks up with her 2x a month, who does that? And when he wants to have sex, he’d make up to her…happily ever after! That’s NOT right! I just think he is not that into her or he’s insane. She shouldn’t keep taking him back at all.
Ella, you’re partly right I think. Its a money thing for her. 2x month just like a paycheck. He pays for everything
Someone is playing games here – or maybe both. It could be they both enjoy a bit of drama. They are the only ones who really know what is, or is not, going on – and they’re the only ones who can do anything about it. Let it Be.
Toodleypip!
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and getting the same results. These codependent’s need to get off the pot (the other part of that has already been done to each other). Sometimes people can just be friends, or even friends with benefits…but why put each other through this torture and misery? They both deserve so much better than this.
STOP!!!
Find out what you want.
Frankly, it’s pretty clear what he wants/ needs isn’t this relationship.
if he’s the one breaking up with her then the question of weather or not he “has fun” with other women while they’re broke up comes to mind. i
had a bf do that to me and it wound up that the only reason he kept me around was because i was always there.
if that is the case with your friend, i’d tell him to stop. he’s only going to do emotional damage to that woman and might get her pregnant and be “stuck” with her for the rest of his life.
F THAT!
You should never break up and get backtogether with someone more then two times in the first three years of a relationship and the break should be one week to two months long.
i was in a” relationship” like that along time ago. we’d go out on friday night, dinner, drinks, good time with friends, then before he would leave for the night, he’d say it just wasn’t going to work out ( he was 13 years older than me, and i was 26, so we would ‘break up’ and i would say as he left, ok, talk to you on monday! and he would inevitably cal me monday morning ( my day off) and we’d go out for lunch, and he’d tell me how i must have a voodoo spell on him (lol I am white and blonde, but i am bewitching!) adn we would date all week, and friday night too, and ususally break up.. yes, he had a long term relationship with a woman who was his age ( they r married now, but not until aftere i got married, did he finally grow up and committ, after i told him, i am seeing someone, and I’ll call you when and if… i never made that call,ever) so that’s my perspective… he has someone else he is hung up on , but also likes this girl alot and can’t shut the door on the possibilities he sees with her, and can’t or won’t shut the door on the other one either? it is good when you can have your cake and eat it too.. i was consequently doing the same thing, if it was good for the goose, it was better for the gander!! I didn’t sit at home and cry, i had a string of nice young men to keep me company on saturday and sunday, and that’s how i met my husband, and cut them all loose within 2 months. : )
Plain out,, he is breaking up with this woman so he can have his way with other females and not be liable…He can ALWAYS say “when I messing with her, I wasn’t with YOU”…LOL
sounds like they both crave drama in their lives. i have a friend who does this and insists on telling every tom, dick and harry all about what is going on.
ffs tell him to man up and either dumb the hoe or be with her it really is simple. if he loves her and is willing to put up with all the crap great, be with her, if not, then walk away… the sex can not be that good.
If I didn’t know better I would swear it’s one of my friends, except that his girlfriend is a crack addict & runs off to a crackhouse for weeks on end. Each & every time he’ll say this is her final chance, yet she’s had at least 6 last chances so far.
The only advice I have given him is that no matter how much he wants her to stop using crack, she has to want it for herself. Of course he needs to grow a set & mean it when he says he’s done & not give her another chance.
After months of listening to this, I finally decided he’s as much the problem as she is & he likes to be a Drama King. Once I figured that out & started ignoring his tales of woe, it’s funny how she is now off her 2 weeks off crack & 2 weeks @ the crackhouse!
This guy you are talking about needs to walk away from it, unless he too is a Drama King & is just looking for a regular booty call!