Advice On Dating a Married Man?

On August 4, 2010, in Relationship Advice, by Jay Archer

alphamaleAnswers-logoQ: Do you have any advice on dating a married man?

A: Ya, DONT!

Smarten up! What are you:
1) desperate
2) a slut
3) stupid
4) all of the above?

And don’t give me that “all the good ones are taken” bullshit. That’s a lame justification and it’s untrue. Hey, some of the bad ones are taken, too.

No one can blame you for being in love with a married man. But entertain and fostering that love by dating a married man hurts people – including yourself.

Listen, I’m all for having friends who are different sexes. In fact, its healthy. Even a married man as a friend.

If you can be friends with this married man, great.  But never let any part of his anatomy near you…including his lips, OK?

What is my advice on dating a married man?

If you both struggle to just be friends and keep things onside – then you need to end it like a band-aid – Write Off!

You need to be the strong, responsible adult and draw the line in the sand – no matter how much it hurts or how much he begs.

If a man is sperated – fine. Widdowed – fine. Divorced – OK. But dating a married man on the sly – that is way, way offside.

Forbidden fruit sure does taste sweet but you’re likely to get a bad case of worms.

Karma’s a bitch. Keep at it and don’t be surprised if you’re on the shitty end of the stick on day.

If you’re a good person you probably already feel pretty crappy about it without my hard hitting man advice, don’t you?

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47 Responses to Advice On Dating a Married Man?

  1. Bea says:

    Hey Jay,
    What is the likelihood of it lasting anyway? Really?

    I found myself in the situation at the beginning of this year where my husband (don’t get me wrong he’s guilty too) was taken by another woman.
    Who was hurt, me, him, our children, her husband, their children.
    Who’s hurting now?
    Her as he and I after counseling and much grovelling on his behalf are reconciling.
    they may think it’s love but it won’t last.

  2. Elayne says:

    Actually, I’m glad you broached this topic. You can probably guess why..yes I’m attracted to a man who is married. So, good I read your advice before doing anything that would make me look and feel as you described…sometimes it is good to get “advice” that is difficult to take but will be better in the long run.
    thank you,

  3. Erotic Jerk says:

    You’re naive.

    There’s a 90% chance he’s banging you – aka using you for sex – sweetheart.

    LOL – give your head a shake!

  4. Kirst says:

    Well i for one am head over feet for a married man. We had a brief fling before he married and are still close now though we don’t sleep together.

    Despite the fact that we text nearly every day, occasionally sexually, and despite the fact i sometimes feel this is worse than a physical affair, i would lose a lot of respect for him did we have sex again.

    The way i see it is that it’s hardly his fault i’m in love with him, and his friendship is so very important to me, if it were true love rather than lust on his side, well, he’d be with me, not his wife- wouldn’t he?

    • Archer says:

      Kirst,

      I’m glad to hear you have a good friendship with your married man and mature enough to keep it platonic even though you stepped over the naughty line in the past.

      Share more detail or effects of this experience see readers can learn from it?

  5. nicole says:

    Well said.

    Krist….I know you stated it sometimes feels worst then a physical affair…..I’m just wondering, the man your in love with, if you were married to him would you like it if he was texting in any sense sexually to another woman?

    Please don’t take this out of context, i’m not bashing you for your feelings for him, I just want to know how you would feel for your loved one if things were on the other foot.

  6. Nat says:

    I think emotional relationships/ affairs can hurt just as much as the physical ones!
    Kirst… Put it in reverse- if u had ur husband sexually texting & flirting (and not just harmless flirting- there’s a history there) with another woman… How would u feel???

    I just don’t get the married man thing!

    All power to Bea though- it takes a lot to reconcile! So good on u & good luck!

  7. Arryana says:

    I’ve been “dating” a married man for 5 years. I feel awful & guilty about it ..but it’s something that just happened. It was not planned. When we first met, we clicked immediately. We were so much alike, I felt we were destined for one another. The more we got to know one another, the closer we became. Two years later, we ended up sleeping together. I was really disgusted with myself, but he makes me feel loved and special. No matter how many times we tried to end it, it never happens! Maybe I am naiive, maybe I am stupid .. maybe i believe his lies, but I’m not expecting him to end his marriage to be with me – I know that nothing can ever progress from it. I can’t picture my life without him .. and the sex is great! I love him and I don’t know what to do!

    • Archer says:

      Arryan,

      Passion is rare and tough to quit, isn’t it?

      I’m sure your conscience will giide you.

      Sincerely,
      J

  8. Diana says:

    Don’t start business with someone that has unfinished business. Period. Don’t get involved with excuse makers, because there will always be another excuse. Only someone that is truly free is free to commit to you. Don’t do it. Force the issue and you’ll only find that there’s a tie to the other that’s more important than you are. Give it a try and see how you feel.

  9. meagan says:

    When I first saw the title “Advice on Dating a Married Man” I rolled my eyes and was really annoyed. THANK YOU for writing this with some sense. IF the man you are dating really loved you then he would not be married to his wife. If a guy is willing to cheat WITH you, he will definitely cheat ON you

  10. Elizabeth says:

    This is a really good advice for a person like me who keeps on thinking about this married man at work. We were close but he has stop talking to me after my husband found out about us. I love my husband so much, but I also like the other guy’s company. I’m not interested in having sexual acts with him, only chatting and having lunch together but it’s all over. I’m missing him badly and wish he wanted to start all over again… but this advice suits me well and wakes me up – forbidden fruit sure does taste sweet (heavy sigh).

    • Archer says:

      Elizabeth,

      There’s nothing wrong or guilty about being friends the married man work mate As long as that’s it. You should know that.

  11. Christine says:

    hahahahahahaha…lol…and rofl…I had to click to read this because if there was serious advice on how to, I had lots to say.

    All the good men taken…not so good if he’s cheating or even looking to cheat. Only fooling yourself into thinking you’re something special that he’s cheating with you. All the sweet things he says to you, all the promises…he made a bigger one to his wife. See what that promise was worth.

    Okay…but in the spirit of honestly, the thought of playing with fire crossed my mind in the past. Then it started to happen. A married man claimed to be falling for me, I did not hold back when my true reactions came up which included my telling him I can’t take anything says serious, I don’t believe him, and I could never respect him for betraying his wife. Don’t like betrayal in general. Told him to be a man and step out if he can’t make his marriage work, but it won’t be stepping in with me. I didn’t mess around with him, but started to view him as less and less of a man. And I’m a woman through and through…I like an honest, strong man. No games, no BS. I became fascinated for a while with cheating husbands, never did anything with them, but talked to a few about it just to try to understand what the **** was going on. Is it really that bad? Why get married? OH…because you’re a pansy and don’t want to be alone. Nope…I don’t want any of that.

    If it’s that important to keep exploring other partners people should exploring being a swinger and be upfront from the beginning.

  12. crystal says:

    If the bloke is married,with 4 kids and cheating on his wife ? Why the hell doesnt he grow some balls an admit that he s been sleeping around and DIVORCE HIS WIFE; So she can be free of him for life.

  13. Anne says:

    I have always struggled to understand women who date a married man and then get excited that he is leaving his wife for them!!! This “man” has just broken the ultimate promise that 2 people could make.
    So, if he does hook up with you, isn’t he more than likely to break his promises to you too.
    As for being friends with a married man sure but keep it open and public. My gran always said a real lady doesn’t put herself in a compromising position.

  14. Kirst says:

    I actually agree with a lot of the stuff you guys have said. I know that the texts we share are probably not a good idea – and yes, were I his wife I would feel pretty darn shitty about it. We have discussed it and now TRY to keep things on a purely platonic footing. Obviously this occasionally comes unstuck!

    I really wish that I could move on and get over the feelings I have for him, and meet someone else – who is ideally NOT involved with someone else. But unfortunately he is at the moment my ‘ideal’ and everyone else falls very short in comparison!

    I would feel terrible if he left his wife for me – and yes, I don’t know that I would trust him not to cheat on me! He does firmly believe though that because he said his vows, he means to stick to them – for which I have great respect for him. God, it’s just so hard getting over it all!

  15. Anonymous says:

    what if you don’t know he is married?

  16. crystal says:

    unfortunately i am married to this man,and he denies it ,he spend most of his time on dating web sites ,then when i confront him he lies about it all the time and i dont appreaciate it ,so if hes not a member of theses dating sites why do they send their pics to our email boxes all the time,cause if i remember correctly you dont get that garbage unless your partner is fooling around right;an as for intercourse ‘ well he never goes to bed when i do, so why the hell wont he admit it ,he doesnt love me nor respect me cause if he did he wouldnt go to those dating sites ;i just wish to hell he filed for Divorce so i can be happy an my eldest sons arent miserable. my kids are 13,12,7 and 23months old,the only place we are allowed to go to from home to school and football club and his mother, we dont see my parents or my sister just his side of the family talk about being a prisnor of war ; I wish to hell he drops dead cause im sick of his constant lies, no dam wonder why i dont talk to him at all he cares about is the football club ,hes a groundsmen there; thats more important then us being a family ;i am convinced that me and our kids mean absolutely nothing to him , so why wont he pack his bags and go ?

  17. Linda says:

    Karma is so true. I met my ex husband 16 years ago, we both were married. Both unhappy but still no excuse to cheat!! Long story short, he left me 4 years ago for a friend of ours. Hurt me badly, but lesson learned I knew how his first wife felt. Although I have been in a 3 year relationship with a wonderful man, I am very insecure that he will cheat on me with the woman he dated before me. How can I get over that issue? She is 20 years younger than he (53) and when she found out he was dating me she would call/text him when she seen us together.

  18. Arryana says:

    J ..why do married men claim to be so happy and content with their wife and kids … and then flirt with other women in an attempt to get in their pants?

    • Archer says:

      Arryana,

      I believe the married man flirting is a way to get the same attention, ego boost and feeling they are attractive As women get from being oggled and approached by men.

      I don’t know about the getting into their pants part.

  19. Anonymous says:

    The email/texting shit is horriable when your the one sitting at home trying to make everything work. And curiosity is not an excuss!!! Nor is filling some need of yours that your not getting. You have to bite the bullet and take a long hard and honest look at yourself, then be brave enough to admit it to your partner. If you still aren’t gettig your needs met then you might want to reconsider the relationship. Oh and Married means off limits. Plain and simple!!!!

  20. Arryana says:

    J,

    based on my experience, married men want to be friends with single younger girls – and the moment the girl is vulnerable, he says all the right things, does all the right things…next thing u know, u are falling madly and deeply in love with him..because u begin to spend more time together on the phone taking and going for drinks after work. Then, u don’t know how it happens, but you end up sleeping together and feeling really sh*tty about it afterwards. All of a sudden, phonecalls dwindle and after work drinks cease..and the only time u get to see him is when he wants sex! But u agree to it because u miss him so much – and what was once shared – and although u know he’s using u, u’re helpless and give in.

    naiive ? – yes
    stupid? – definitely!
    slut? – no
    desperate? – no.
    in love? – yes
    why? – i have no $%^& idea :-(

  21. Lady Belle says:

    Great article and discussion Jay.
    Glad you’re one of the good ones!
    Unfortunately, this kind of thing does happen because we don’t live in a perfect world where people marry long term and are happy ever after. Some people marry for the wrong reasons. Some don’t resist temptation. Some meet other people with whom they feel an instant strong connection beyond sexual desire, and some just shouldn’t get married at all.
    I don’t condone it, but I can understand it in certain circumstances. Single women and single men should seek to find other singles to date.

  22. Lady Belle says:

    Unfortunately, in these circumstances, it is generally the woman who falls in love. I think men can separate the sex from love and move on more easily when it’s over (or when they determine that it’s over) .
    So, women BEWARE!

  23. Lildevil says:

    “Woman cheat for all sorts of reasons…. men cheat for one ” Normally when woman cheat she’s looking for emotional needs, men normally do for a physical one, that’s why women may see flirting with another woman as cheating, but until it gets physical men don’t, it’s just sort of the way we’re all hardwired. Any cheating, whether one of them is married are not, if they aren’t single and unattached, just DON’T DO IT!!!! Someone’s bound to get hurt and like Meagan said, “If a guy is willing to cheat WITH you, he will definitely cheat ON you.” and women, your not exempt from this either

  24. Maria Cimini says:

    Dear Crystal,
    what you are describing is a classic case of psychological abuse, which I am sure you are very aware of. The chance though, of your husband filing for divorce, is probably very slim as he has you and your son exactly were he wants you and the rewards are too numerous to let go. If he can have his cake and eat it too, he most certainly will. It’s odd though to me how many women just seem to block out the empathy they should have for womenkind across the globe, focusing only on their own fulfillment. All of us should read Crystals writings with our hearts open.
    And as someone else said on this page,
    these men are breaking the biggest vow you can ever give to another human being and you expect them to keep their promises to you?

  25. Arryana says:

    Thanks J, but unfortunately …i am writing based on personal experience!

    I know it’s wrong, and I’ve tried to end it several times…but i always end up missing him so much..and i think about him all the time. He makes me feel loved, appreciated and wanted…and I guess that’s where my weakness lies!

  26. Anonymous says:

    I think sometimes, as someone said up there, its never planned and unfortunately, once someone starts, its damn hard to give up. In some settings, where spouses live apart from each other due to career choices, e.g. one is in the UK and another is in Brazil, what can be expected in such a situation when the couple meets once a year for a two-week duration???
    Much as a lady may be able to contain herself, this is an almost impossible situation for a man!
    And some marriages have actually ended due to long-distance relating…

  27. Lerato says:

    A BIG AMEN TO THAT J!!! some people are just down right SELFISH. the man probably has kids and stuff. chances are after some time he’s gonna throw you down.gravity is a mother fucker… what goes up, when it comes down,its gon hurt. and that story about its not just me is bull… you should be responsible and grown enough to draw the line. before you do it, think of you being in a loving married relationship with kids and you somehow find out that he has your kind on the side… that will have more damage than you think. as for the whole “she doesnt have to know”… its a small world… think about that before you jump on him…. :-(

  28. adrianna says:

    OMG, Aryana… even our names look much alike… I also have a relation with a married man.
    But I find a difference… You wrote some days ago “He makes me feel loved, appreciated and wanted…”
    In my relation, this is the way I make him feel… The way he makes me feel is… empty, completly empty, day after day.

  29. Christine says:

    Crystal and Arryana and all women really:

    Be the Goddess you are…without meeting any of you, I know you are all twice the lover any of your partners will be. And how do I know? I’m psychic…lol…okay, no…I only make myself laugh. But just by being here, I know you seek the best. you want to be the best. You seek first to understand and please your partners…husbands, boyfriends, one night stands, whatever. Own all you are and all you offer. AND you got J here giving away the inside scoop…lol…I love reading these articles. Confirms a lot of what I know or suspect.

    Crystal: You know you could really nail him if you wanted. If you know what he’s mostly up to, make a profile and find him. Men dish everything over the internet. That would be easy to do. You don’t even need to put a picture. Being a woman you can use most sites with free basic access because finding real women profiles are a little challenging. You just play the “this is my first time and I’m shy…you send me a picture first card.” You can start a yahoo and fake email and find out almost anything you want. Just as long as you play is slow and be patient. But as for why he won’t go…he’s comfortable. You raise his kids, take care of his home, etc. He can do whatever he wants and you won’t leave. He may have not actually met any of the women he’s talked to. Some men compare trading photos as a kind of porn. They don’t consider that cheating. However, I do get spam email from random people, mostly women, all saying things along the line of look at my photos. So that is possible. But if it’s an attachment of a photo then that may be another story.

    Arryana: Find other men to play with. There are so many and men get lonely too. I know being physically alone sucks. If you don’t have a stand in to distract you. There are cuddle parties. Nothing sexual at all and even equipped with a “lifeguard” to keep it safe. Just something random. But to cirlce back…you are not helpless!!! You are a Goddess!!! Fill your time flirting…healthy flirting…to keep you occupied. Have fun of your own. Then someone who deserves you will come along. But you’ll never meet him if you spend all your time with loser boy. There is no try. There is only do. Stop answering his calls, emails, texts, etc. go make yourself busy. Hang with girl friends, flirt with every man you meet in a day. No you don’t have to give a phone number or do anything more than a wink and a smile. It boosts your confidence and makes everyone just feel better. It’s natural and we are human…therefore social.

    Really start to see these men for what they are worth. How does that make you really feel? Not good, right? So…there is no need to keep hurting.

    And ladies, sometimes we say that men are so shallow, but sometimes our checklists are impossible. We don’t give the good guy the time of day because he’s not physically our type or doesn’t dress how we’d like, or whatever. I’m guilty of this. There are potentials everywhere. And when you open your mind, you see how many more hearts you are breaking. So then who’s fault is it? Well, no single person, but we can take responsibility for our actions. Change our behaviors and reach some better outcomes. We teach people how to treat us…partners in particular. By answering every time he only calls for sex tells him you like that. Actions speak so loudly.

  30. Ttree says:

    Thanks, Jay.
    Really glad you posted this, I’ve been cheated on before (and that’s just in a normal relationship) and I can think of no justifiable reason anyone could have for cheating.

    A person who cheats is a scumbag, and a person who encourages someone to cheat is just the same.

    How would you like it?

    If you even have to REMIND him that he should be sorting things out with his wife (one way or the other) first he’s a coward who can’t be a man and be honest, don’t expect him to treat you any better.
    Same thing for women, don’t cheat.
    Someone has trusted you with their heart, don’t treat them like trash no matter how much you may “feel” like things aren’t good.
    Be honest and talk to them!

    You owe them that much if you consider yourself a decent person.
    There is no love without trust and you can’t trust someone who can’t be trusted by his own wife!

  31. SSM says:

    My husband has given me nipple jewelry that attaches by cinching around the nipple. I love to wear it by I have a problem I don’t know how to solve. I can’t seem to keep my nipples erect for an extended period of time. Even tho’ I find wearing the jewelry sexy and a turn on for me (as well as my husband) it is not long before my nipples loose their erection and the jewelry falls off. Please don’t suggest piercing, I don’t want to go that route. If you have any realistic ideas on how to keep my nipples erect for an extended period of time I am all ears.

  32. ann says:

    adrianna ( and arryana) wow! you both said it…who you are ( who i am) what they (men)are, and how it makes you feel (and me) EXACTLY . We are giving our love and making a man feel like a god when it should be the other way around…and yet it is so hard to stop… i’ve said it for years “men are the curse” not what we thought was the curse lol. I love the advice one other said; FLIRT with every man you see, just a smile or nod…it will fill you up with confidence and eventually you will feel worthy of more than what you are currently getting. (Jay this is the BEST site anywhere…you and your advice and columns are the best,bar none.kudos!!)

  33. Tiffany says:

    I Enjoyed reading all the comments and I appreciate the advice without the BS you sometimes get. I know you ALL have helped me make a sound decision and save my young heart a lot of hurt later!! Thanks! =-)

  34. The Occasional Other Woman says:

    My husband passed away almost a year ago and I am not in the market for a relationship right now. Unfortunately the single men out there want to engage in a steady relationship which I am not ready for and therefore deny dates and interaction with them that might lead them to think I am interested. I was in a situation a while ago where a married man who I know for about 10 years now approached me at a conference and we started chatting. We get along very well. We ended up in bed and it happend 3 times since. For me it is perfect as I need the physical sexual connection, but not a relationship. We don’t text, mail or phone each other and it happens only when we happen to be at the same time at the same place. He is married to his wife for almost 20 years now and don’t intend to leave her ever. When I asked him why he cheats on her he said it is for excitement and a bit of variation. I don’t see anything wrong with that as we are not emotionally involved in this “relationship” and we are very, very discreet about it. There would definitely be sh1t in paradise if his wife ever finds out and I hope she never does. I don’t expect him to make special arrangements to be away from his wife and family to see me. I don’t feel guilty at all. Is there something wrong with me? I know many “happily married men” who cheats on their wifes who will never leave them and for that reason I will never ever get married again as I will trust no man to be true to one woman for his whole life. I would love to hear what other men & women have to say about this situation I am in.

  35. B says:

    my mum and dad have been married for 16 years and i have been living with them for all my life…untill a woman called kirsty came along and took my dad away it hurt a lot of people including me and my dads children (my brothers). she and him have been cheating right in front of my mums face they come round now and again, its like thy are rubbing it in our faces. i despise this kind of behaviour from my own father and think he should come home and look after his kids as they are and should be his top priority. it doesnt help that two of them are special needs children and dont understand whats going on also me and my mum find this really difficult to cope with as we have to be strong to look after the children.

    I JUST WISH HED SEE WHAT HE IS ACTUALLY DOING AND UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH IT HURTS TO SEE HIM WITH ANOTHER WOMAN WHO ISN’T MY MOTHER…(sorry bout caps).

    i despise their behaviour as i believe she is using him for cigarettes and money because she has not got a penny. i am soo worried that my father is going to come back with i massive debt to pay off as they are living off my dads credit card. i just hope he comes back realising what a mistake he has made as his children need the support of their father at home because i dont think my mum cant take much more i cant be there for her all the time to care for my fathers disabled kids…

    I just can’t work out what he sees in that woman shes fat and not even pretty…sorry for the abuse but im just expressing how i feel as i cant explain in words how i actually feel about this subject. It’s tearing us all apart its going to ruin us finacially and physically as a family.

    thank you for your time in reading my comment

    bianca xx

  36. Kirst says:

    It’s been a while since i posted on here and i hope you guys will be glad to know that i have put a bit of distance between my married man and myself. We only chat once or twice a fortnight now, and it’s strictly casual. I feel like i’ve lost my best friend though, And really miss him even though i know that it’s for the best for all concerned! Still, it’s really hard getting through the day without a text or message. And when i do hear from him it brightens up my day immeasurably – sigh for all the brave but wounded hearts out there:-)

  37. Reni says:

    I know I will be crucified for this…… Why should anyone miss out on physical enjoyment simply because you’re married? How many women (and men) continually refuse their partner sexual pleasure? I am sleeping with 2 married men and am in a 3 year relationship with another who is separated from his wife. The two men I am sleeping with is a purely sexual thing, nothing more. Their married/family life is good…. love their wife, love their kids, but the sex is non existant. They only get physical pleasure with me, but their emotional happiness & pleasure is with their families. The wife doesn’t fee like cooking so they get takeaway. She doesn’t feel like sex, so he comes to me, gets some pleasure and goes home content. There is no sexual tension in the home…. she’s not interested & it doesn’t bother him, but when she’s ready so is he & happily so. I can separate sex from love whereas most women can’t. My partner and I have an open relationship and sleep with whom ever we choose whether they be married or not. Call it wrong, but it is only sex and not love.

    • Candy says:

      I must lovingly rebuke you sister. What you are doing is wrong. I pray that you find love as it was meant to be experienced.

  38. Candy says:

    I can’t believe this was an actual question. Do any of you ever read the bible. I have to say at least Jay did say it was not okay to date a married man. However, I will take it many steps further. Separated is not okay to date and neither is divorced. Do you people ever pick up a Bible or ask God what is right? Divorce does not release you from the oath you made to God when you got married. The promises you make to people and to God are suppose to mean something. And NO, you should not have friends of the opposite sex when you are married. It is not healthy. It leads to emotional and then physical affairs. But why bring God into at all. Even if you leave God totally out of it, would you want to be cheated on? If we all just treated others as we want to be treated this world would be a much better place. Have some moral character!!

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